"Boys Will be Boys"

This is the letter I received from "Mr. Humpinalot" - the damn coward. It was fun while it lasted.

J,

Surprised that you have been so long in your reply. I have been taking a needed break from Internet - and e-mail. EDS has become far too suspicious of e-mail at work - therefore I think it would be better if I did not e-mail you in the future. I'd hate for you to think that I am some sort of stalker/sexual harasser anyway. Hope you are happy in your life, take care.

Your Admirer.

Now, please ask yourselves, WTF... This guy won't even confirm to me that I was correct in my investigation of his identity. I will have to assume at this point that I was right on and that this is why I received the email. Perhaps I brought this "Dear John" letter on myself. My fantasy of hot sex on the copy machine may never come true now. I might never find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a... yeah, tootsie pop. I must say that I actually prefer Blow pops anyway. Tootsie pops are brown - too big of a coincidence.

Moving on. Ang and I had a nice conversation last night about being single. We both hate it. Then we both realized that we could easily have significant others, however they would more than likely be below our set standards. Are these standards too high? Not until I find a boy like Dan Renzi will I EVER be happy. So until then, I'm single. BLAH.

Taking a sabbatical of one year single is a huge deal. ONE YEAR OF BEING SINGLE. According to most gay men, I should have just taken my life and ended things after one month. I've had a lot of time and opportunity to grow up this past year. I've made new friends, rekindled old friendships, and dumped those friends not worthy of my time, energy or thought (which mind you was not done easily). I can't say how often I thought about calling one of my friends I forcibly said goodbye to. I miss his friendship and the good times we spent together, but to be honest there are many more things that I don't miss about him. Part of growing up is knowing when to say goodbye. Goodbye Blake. I've always loved you more than you'll ever know. One day you'll realize that sailor.

Obviously part of being single is saying goodbye to the boyfriend that you just dumped. That was done - quite easy as a matter of fact. What is interesting is that recently I noticed (through my newly advanced internet technology skills) that my ex boyfriend is reading my journal. My privacy has been infiltrated!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN. LOL Now some of you are probably asking yourselves, how in the hell would he know. Well, as many of you are aware you can search the tracking software by what search criteria were used to find your site. I noticed recently that the word "Brad" was used on an internal site search. Shortly there after the word "Chad" was used as well. Coincidence? I think not. A little while thereafter the same search was conducted again. This time from a different IP address. It is a HUGE assumption, but somehow I believe that either Brad (the ex) or Chad (the ex roommate who still lives with Brad) searched first and then informed the other of my site and it's contents. Isn't this fun??? I hope they liked what they read. Nothing is held back in this blog. I did feel slightly guilty about calling Chad a leprechaun looking troll a while back, but then I thought about all the nasty things he's more than likely said about me and then realized - whatever.

I've been fantasizing a lot about Bobby lately. I just wish that he lived closer than Oshawa, Ontario, Canada. Even though a relationship with someone four hours away isn't impossible, it just isn't fair to either party. I really think Bobby is an amazing person and I wish more than anything, that I could just spend a weekend with him. One day (according to the source) this will come true. I'm very impatient though and I can't wait. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

So Valentine's day slowly approaches and once again - SINGLE. Brad has been the only guy in my dating life that I have been with on Valentine's day. The ONLY one. Is that sad? Is this a common thing? I don't know. Men seem to disappear right around holidays for me. It would be nice to just have a date though. Any takers?

As the weekend steadily approaches (in about 40 minutes) I am very excited about my soon to develop adventures. JRo and I have some big plans. Tonight my bitch (or wait, am I hers?) is coming over with Man-da-licious and we are lighting a fire, drinking some good ole' American wine (aka Bud Light) and plunking our asses down from some fabulous fun. To an innocent bystander this would be viewed as a fairly typical night. Nope. Not when you have two of Michigan's wildest, sex-crazed characters involved. Look out Royal Oak, here comes the dynamic duo!

Tomorrow night, JRo and I have a double date with Mark and Alex. We are having what is to become a fantastic Italian dinner by Chef Mark himself at his wonderful abode in Oak Park. Soon thereafter we are traveling to the theatre to see a production of "Greater Tuna" at Meadowbrook theatre in Rochester. The gaggle and I will then be heading over to my new place for COCKtail's (and chocolate Redi-whip if Jenny has her way). We might head to Q after that. I promise an evening of antics and craziness will be in store for all of you.

Until then...

So long, farewell... I bid you all adieu (okay so I admit, my French is as rough as a bad hangover in Church),

J




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This is EXACTLY why I am gay!!!


Are you going to hell?
I scored a 158. Is that bad? You bet your ass it is... and I'll prove it to you one day (as long as you are cute, gorgeous, HOT!)






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Someone linked to my site with this search criteria - Fit Pakistani Boys. How hilarious. I love this new tracking system. What's next? Alien encounters with purple third nipples and pencil thin cocks?

I have to say that I am absolutely amazed by the power of the internet. I've had this journal online for months now and only in the past several days have I figured out just how awesome the internet really can be. I've found out just today that I am linked on several web sites in foreign countries and that several people who have done searches on my ex boyfriends (or people with the same names as my ex's) are accessing my site. CRIKEE!! I am stunned, shocked and positively speechless. Now I definitely have a reason to update on a regular basis. For awhile there I was worried that no one was reading this thing. Thanks to Michael for adding the counter to his site first.

The most hilarious thing is that my most popular word I've used in my site in all of these months is "Paki". In the last day four days different searches were done using the word Paki and all of them have populated my site in the top ten. CRAZY. Thanks to Bobby (BB from the OC) for not only cracking my shit up with his Paki rendition of his experience at 7-11, but also for making me popular on the Internet!

Not really any big news from today. I haven't received any response from "Mr. Humpinalot". I'm rather disappointed to be honest. I solved a mystery (or at least I think I did) and now I need confirmation that I am correct. Hopefully I didn't scare him away. I would feel bad about that. It was really nice to know that I was admired from afar. I've always found it to be pleasurable to receive sexually charged emails from strangers (it happens to me more than you would think). The interesting thing is that I can see his head from where I am sitting. I keep trying to make eye contact with him as well, but I have yet to get any gratification from this experience today. This is a message to DAN - get over it guy. You're e cute, I'm nice, and both of us know how fun it would be to have a random fuckfest in an empty office somewhere! Email me back already.

The maintenance man finally fixed the heat in our apartment today. Phew. On occasion it was getting a bit to hot. All of that heat with no sexual ecstasy. Ohhh the crime! One day my room will be filled with hot, luscious sex. Speaking of that... Ben emailed me.

Ben is more than likely off to Germany for work. He states that when he returns he would like to get together for coffee. I suggested dinner. We'll see what happens. I just can't stop thinking how odd it would be if Ben and I clicked and things went forward. I fucked your boyfriend and now I am fucking you. What a great story that would be to tell my grandchildren.

I had this great idea yesterday that once I get my new apartment situated (i.e.. painted, cleaned, and fully decorated) that I would like to invite my neighbors (there are only 11 other apartments in my building) over for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres . How cute would that be? Not only could I meet the new neighbors, but it would also give me an opportunity to show off my new place in order to become the talk of the apartment complex. Yipppeee! Fame is in my future. Can you tell?

J




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Too bad it wasn't me that got nailed - but whatever. I recently posted on my blog that I have a secret admirer in my office building (aka mOnStar prison). Well after days and days of pondering, wondering and searching (using my superior detective skills of course) I have now nailed the suspect (or rather I'd like to). I must say that I am quite a bit relieved that the mysterious gentleman admirer is handsome and not rotten as hell. I was seriously worried that he would be that ginormously wide hunchback from the special events team, or the mullet man from the Lexus Link team, or even the bald-headed freak from the reacquisition team, EEEEK or heaven forbid, "The Gaysian" (apologies if I am wrong and you are one of those peeps mentioned). If that is the case, maybe we should become friends so I can assist you in improving your image).

So here is how things broke down during my discovery phase (case notes provided by Sherlock Jason and Dr. Vivian Watson):

First some history...

A few months ago (we'll say seven months) I received a random email from an address that I was not familiar with. This was sent to my OnStar account, which to most is not published publicly but not too difficult to figure out (especially if you are as Internet savvy as I am). Anyhow, I assumed this email was from one of my friends at work joking around with me. Since I am not "out" at work I figured that one of my suspecting friends was trying to pull information out of me without asking any questions directly. I wasn't having it, so I was slightly rude when I wrote back thinking that I was writing to one of my buddies. When I eventually realized it wasn't one of them, I felt slightly bad. I wrote back "Mr. Humpinalot" attempting to apologize but he never wrote back again.

This brings us to last week on Monday. I received an email from "Humpinalot" stating that he had read my journal and that I was an eloquent writer. Hummm. Now my initial reaction was, WTF, how in the hell did someone from work get my journal address? This especially worried me since on a regular basis I say nasty things about bitchy people as well as policies and procedures of my biggest financial resource. I was baffled.

I emailed "Humpinalot" and despite the obvious question (do you hump a lot?) I asked three very simple questions. "Who are you?", "How do you know me?", and "How did you get my journal address?". Naturally the mysterious admirer wanted nothing to do with question number one. He replied saying he knows me from work, he sees me walking the floor and occasionally in the lunch room, and he got my journal address from Dan Renzi. As a huge fan of the Real World he came across my link from Dan's site. The wonderful world of the Internet.

Over the course of the past week, I have put my investigative skills to work. I've had spies all over the building watching me as I walk the floor, in the lunchroom, etc. trying to find the one set of eyes that seems to be gaga over my extremely fascinating physique (LOL). This route has been unsuccessful. Apparently too many people look around all at the same time (either that or I am just SUPER popular). I've also asked "Mr. Humpinalot" a series of questions to try and discover his identity. As you can imagine he is very reluctant in answering specific things, instead replying with "it would be best to know that you are admired from afar". WHATEVER. I'm on a mission and if you know me well enough I can't let things go until I know the answer. This brings us to today.

We have this stupid rule at work that we have to exit a certain part of the building by 7pm daily. Everyday at 7:30 I move (notice how I tend to bend the rules). Well today I moved into my normal spot on the other side of the floor. When I proceeded to take seat I noticed a guy that I have noticed several times in the past sitting kiddie-corner from my computer. I've admired this guy from afar but because of my working environment and past experiences dealing with "Larry" and his sleeping with supervisors work drama, I made a pact with myself that I would never sleep with anyone I worked with. So in keeping with that pact and the fact that is work and my personal life need to be separated, I stay silent. Well, I sit down and begin to start logging into my computer when I hear cute boy start talking. I immediately felt a gay vibe (you all know the kind - well the vast majority of you do). It wasn't until he answered a call and said "Thank you for calling OnStar, this is DAN, how may I assist you today", that I knew it was him. The pieces were finally fitting together.

Clue Number One: The emails are from an account with the name "Dan Humpinalot". Cute boys name is DAN. Coincidence, possibly, but not likely. We don't have that many Dan's in this building and even more specific I know he works on my floor.

Clue number Two: He sounds gay and he is cute. What more is necessary.

Clue Number Three: He sounds gay and he is cute. Plus I've caught him peering at me through the mess of computer cords across the way. He keeps sliding over to the girl right across the cube from me and chatting with her. I get the feeling it is only so he can get a better look at me.

Clue Number Four: Aside from the one time I caught him wearing a visible white T-shirt with a completely black outfit, he dresses quite nice. Nicer than I do in fact. I figure this is OnStar. I can break out the Lagerfeld suits when I get the FUCK out of here. I can let the white T-shirt thing slide - for now.

Clue Number Five: He appears to have the drama queen bitchiness attached to his every response. I can sense his struggling with "straight" talk when chatting with nearby coworkers. That and the fact that his best buddy is a girl - an obnoxious girl at that (but aren't most gay followers a bit over the top?).

Did I mention he's cute? He also looks like he could be in his thirties - but that is debatable. Ohhh yeah, he did reveal to me that he is out of my league and he is in his thirties. What the hell does that mean? I didn't know I was in a certain league. LOL - he wears a pretty gay looking coat too. he he he. Please god - let this be the man. As stated, if it is someone like Harmon (who by the way actually was at the auto show despite my prediction that he was lying. My after thought was that he paid for a ticket, put on a suit and walked around attempting to look important. I couldn't believe that GM would waste an Armani suit on him. I'm debating whether or not I should express interest and ask to see his credentials).

In other news...

The moving is finally done. This is the biggest reason I haven't updated my blog in so long is because of the transit of shit from one place to another. Ang and I have managed not to kill one another just yet. ;-) Decorating can occasionally post a conflict between us, but for the most part things are flowing very smooth. The apartment looks great. My bedroom is such a bordello of love. I just can't get over how impressed I am with myself. My first purchase for my new bedroom with be blood red velvet curtains. After that comes a new area rug. Good sex will be had in this room. I can feel it already.

This past Saturday Ang and I finally finished putting the living room all together. We painted the room in very luscious, warm red colors. It looks incredible. With furniture, lamps, decor items and the new surround sound system, it is totally PIMP. Good sex will be had in this room as well (just as long as Ang isn't home, ;-)

We still have a lot of work to do, but for the most part things are moving on at a steady pace. We probably won't get the kitchen or the hallway painted for a few more weeks, but ohhh well. A majority of the work is complete.

So if you all have noticed I added a counter on the site. It is so fabulous. I can now track the traffic on this site as well as find out what keywords brought me up in Internet searches. Crazy. I've already had a few really interesting ones. I think someone was looking for kiddie porn and hit my site instead. EWWW...

Well, lads and lASSes, time to bolt home.

HUGZ and Kisses,

J





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This may very well be the only time I post anything on my site in relation to politics. But for those of you fans that are highly interested in this sort of "stuff", I'm posting what I thought was an interesting read. How much of it is fact, I don't know, but it honestly makes one wonder who our "fearless" leader really is.


BUSH RESUME
George W. Bush The White House, USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the
influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's
license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is
not available.

MILITARY:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take
a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas
Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
- I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
- I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I
bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil. The company went bankrupt
shortly after I sold all my stock.
- I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a deal that used taxpayer
money to buy the land.
- With the help of my father and friends in the oil industry (including
Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
- I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most
polluted state in the Union.
- During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
- I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
- I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
- With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by
over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
- I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
- I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
- I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
- I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
- I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
- I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
- I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
- In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
- I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
- I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
- I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
- My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
- My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
- I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
- I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
- I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
- I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
- I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
- I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
- I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
- I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
- I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
- I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
- I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
- I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
- I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
- After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
- I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
- I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
- I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
- I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time.
- In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.
- I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
- I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
- I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

For obvious reasons, I wan't nothing to do with "Bush". I'm gay for god's sake. Now if his name was "Cockenballs" I wouldn't care what party he represented, I'd vote for him (three times if necessary)!

Because of my recent move I am overwhelmed with bullshit. I have a lot of stories to pass along (including Scott, the newest QT in my life) so stay tuned. I guarantee a good laugh and quite possibly a good cry. LOL

Love ya,

J






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I have a Secret Admirer. This could make life very interesting, especially with an email address like "humpinalot". Details to come - be patient already.




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The answer is yes! Details to follow.

Saturday was such a busy day for me. Rising early in the day (anything before 9am) is quite a challenge for me. If you can only imagine 8am was ROUGH. I am not sure why but I scheduled a breakfast date with my friend Lori at 9am. DUH. What was I thinking? I was really in the mood for the Garden Omelet at Pronto! and I was determined that I was going to have one. As fate would have it (especially for two people who don't like mornings) we ended up not meeting at Pronto! until 9:30 am. Of course I ordered my omelet and a Mimosa. What's breakfast without a drink?

I had a lot of fun catching up with Lori. We haven't seen one another since our White Water Rafting extravaganza last Labor Day. As an avid reader of my journal, she is quite knowledgeable about details of my life. She also gifted these wonderful picture frames (with pictures of our WWR trip in them) for my birthday. I love presents - especially when they are cool.

Lori and were at Pronto! until almost noon. I am an extremely slow eater and everybody makes fun of me because I take my time. Honestly, it has a lot to do with the fact that I talk a lot. I think conversation during meals is important. In my family, sometimes it was the only time that we all sat down together in the same room and chatted. I know I talk too much in certain circumstances, but ohh well. I think it is better than not saying anything at all.

After what went from breakfast to brunch, I scooted over to my parent’s house. I had a business deal I had to discuss with my father. To make a long story short, he wants me to create a budget for myself. A BUDGET? That wretched word. GROSS! He wants me to go as far as to budget how much I spend a year on things like toilet paper. Toilet paper? Should I write down and average out how many sheets per session while I am at it? This is all for the greater good of Jason, but DAMN. I see his point and as a wise man, I need to follow it - especially if I want my "proposition" to pass in Paul's financial court.

After what seemed liked several hours of debate I was off to Ang's - for what very could be the last time I ever see her place (less moving day of course) in tact. I had promised Ang that I would assist her with her roots. Yes folks, I am the ROOT man. I've mastered this task and am ready to move on to highlights, lowlights and complete color dramatizations. Watch out world, I'm ready to become a colorist! Ang, "Larry" and I had some Peisporter and got to work. I am sure that I look like a total dumbass when I am dying roots because I am in a totally different world - The HAIR world. It is one of those things that you just can't fuck up. You can't have bad color, bad style or bad product. People notice this type of flaw only because it is extremely visible. I concentrate when dying Ang's hair because I don't want to be responsible for a fuck-up. Yay for me. Another successful round of "rooting".

I left Ang's at 4:15pm to head over to JRo's. We had dinner reservations (if you want to call them that) at 5:00pm for Kenny's birthday. Kenny is a sassy older gay man who is partnered with Bill. Kenny and Bill are JRo's and Nance's (JRo's mom) good friends from the boat. So cute. The dinner was a tad bit disappointing only because I felt the lighting was terrible, it was way too smokey, and if you took the average age of the other guests and divided it by 2, I was still several years younger. Thank god I had Jenny. As I mentioned the lighting was horrendous. Picture this "Sicily 1942" - LOL. No really, picture this - a dark night, a convenience store. As you walk up to the door you are engulfed by that disgusting yellow lighting that attracts bugs so they don't fly into the store when the screen opens. This perfectly describes the 10,000 yellow lights (by the way, it appeared that the bulbs were spray painted to achieve the proper yellow effect they were going for) that shone upon me and the rest of the dinner party. BARF. I look terrible in yellow lighting. However, this didn't stop Keith, our white trash and buck-toothed waiter from hitting on me. He even went as far as writing his name and number on a card and having it delivered to me by one of the other members of our "party". I just absolutely have to express how much I "love" it when a 19 year old looks at me says, "What can I get for you youngin?". Please SQUIRT, I'll have a Squirt. Make it a pitcher while you are it. This goofy waiter kept mentioning how he has seen me somewhere recently. I kindly responded by saying "I'm famous - I get around". Keith even went as far as to follow me half way through the restaurant telling me that he normally doesn't do things like this, blah blah blah. All I wanted to do was get out of there before I died of asphyxiation from second hand smoke.

More funny things from dinner...

1. JRO apparently has this talent where she can tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue. This kept us amused for quite some time toward the end of dinner in "hell". This guy Taco was threatening to challenge JRo, but I think in the end he didn't have mad skills like she does.

2. It took me approximately twenty minutes to realize that two of the gentlemen at the opposite end of the table were not in fact men, but really manly women. I should have known that no gay man in his right mind would ever wear a softball jersey to a dinner function. DUH, Jason. Duh. When Nance whipped out the beaded pride bracelets that she has been designing and manufacturing they were gobbled up like Bon Bon's at a Peg Bundy Drag Queen contest. Of course the BUTCH lesbians took first pick and quite frankly almost started a brawl between the two of them. Even though they bought the bracelets, I think they were more interested in charms that they could put on their softball bats.

3. At one point everyone started telling jokes. JRo had a couple up her sleeve and I think I had only one. The particular situation I am about to discuss wasn't meant to be a joke, but turned into one of the most hilarious and best timed things I have ever said (please bear with me - the exact heights of the following individuals is being used only for storytelling purposes - I don't remember the exact statistics). The gentleman sitting across from me stated that was 5'4" only a few weeks ago and now he is 5'3". Nance then stated that she is 5'7" and then Jenny stated that is 5'8". With perfect timing I chipped in with, "Last time I checked I am 8.5 inches". I thought JRo was going to die of a heart attack. She laughed so hard it was making me teary-eyed. It was hilarious! I can be very funny sometimes. Other times, well I guess I just look funny. LOL

I think what really capped off the evening was when a certain individual (Nance ;-) almost blew the tires off the car when the "FART" of the century exploded from the ass in question. You know who are you and I absolutely would have "died" if that thing had smelled. He he he. Next time my manners go out the door and I happen to excrete a nasty stench I will be sure to remind you of this particular incident.

After all was said and done with dinner, JRo and I decided to head to Q to do a bit of dancing. We got to the club extremely early (which paid off because I got the very first parking spot right in front of the door) so we didn't have to pay cover. We sat and chilled for a bit while we watched the scenes of debauchery slowly unfold before our eyes. After a few beers and a couple of Marlboro Ultra Light 100's - it was time to dance the night away.

JRo and I have an interesting way of approaching the dance floor. We don't just dive right in and start dancing. Normally we slowly but surely move our way closer to the dance floor "scene". We usually hang out right on the edge of the dance floor up against the center bar and hang. This way when a dancing appropriate song for both of us comes over the sound system, we can immediately rock on without any delay. This also works in our benefit because we don't have to continuously walk back and forth between songs. This also happens to give us both a very good perspective of the dance floor, so we can stand back and poke fun at the world's worst dancers. The following is a list of the individuals we witnessed last night. The names are changed to protect the not so innocent.

Gumby: This guy's legs were crazy. I felt like he should have auditioned for a Justin Timberlake video. It seriously looked like he had Twizzler's for bones. Jenny and I couldn't get over how flexible he was. He wobbled around like a drunken fool for a long time before he disappeared into the crowd. You go Gumby Boy. One day maybe you'll find your Gumby horse or that little red friend of yours.

Chorus Line CA CA - This fucking guy was getting on my damn nerves. Several times I almost caught an elbow in the face. It was so bad that I plotted my attack if he hit me one more time. The best part about this crazy dude is that his extremely predictable dance moves were very well timed. Timed so well in fact that Jenny would count down 5....4.....3....2.....1.... Squat, Bend the Knees, Rise and Kick. She nailed it every time. The most interesting part is that he never changed his routine. I felt like saying, "Darling, you'll need to change your routine every now and then if you think you'll ever make it on Broadway... or in anyone's bed".

The Hobbits - This dancing duo should have starred in Lord of the "Dancing" Rings. These two midget looking characters couldn't have been more than 4'11". The most hilarious thing is that before the Hobbits met one another, one of them was dancing with what looked like a giant compared to him. If oral stimulation was on the menu for the giant, Hobbit was the perfect height. As the old saying goes "Birds of a Feather Flock Together", Hobbit and Hobbit caught eyes and it was love at first sight. I am honestly am surprised that they survived the dance floor only because I almost got knocked out by some welfare bitch in a cheap zebra stripped shirt, knocked around by Chorus Line CA CA and stepped on a few times (good thing those shoes weren't Gucci). Lost in their own world, the Hobbit's danced with all four left feet.

Spawn of the Zebra (a.k.a. Space Invader) - If this bitch stepped on me one more time I was going to body slam her into a crowd of people. Lucky for her she must have read my mind and backed off. This dance queen diva dropout couldn't have danced to the beat, if she WAS the beat. She just bounced from side to side and flipped her hair around. I think she really thought she could dance too. Jenny and I had a decent time imitating just how wretched of an individual she is. She would have been perfect in the "Mmm Bop" video for Hanson. She did have a really cute friend that I would have liked to have danced with though. Ohh well.

Stiffy - If we all were trying to dance like a tree, this guy would have been the talk of the town. Instead he looked like a complete fool. If only Gumby and him could have gotten together. I imagine that the two of them would have had perfect dancing children. Even John Travolta would have been proud. This guy first of all was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, tapered jeans, and white tennis shoes. Was that combination EVER in style? Between his wardrobe and his dance moves, I think he should have stayed home. Some people just can't dance to Whitney Houston - and he was one of them. What made him even worse is that he was dancing long before everyone else was. I bet he felt like the center of attention, but instead he was the center of what JRo and I consider a good laugh. Kudos to you Stiffy. Hopefully at your age you are still that stiff in bed.

A little after midnight JRo and I decided to call it evening. It felt very strange to leave the club so early considering midnight is normally when things start getting good. Despite our early departure I had a really awesome time. I've learned in my "old age" that it is all about the company, not the activity or the atmosphere. I must admit that I was sad to leave so early, however it was worth the yummy pizza that we ordered at Como's afterwards.

Once we finished the pizza at Como's I was off for another evening alone. Being that the temperature in Michigan was 15 degrees or something absurd like that, I decided to run a nice hot bubble bath and relax. Thankfully my cousin Leslie owns this wonderful fragrance company called The Thymes. It was so wonderful to soak in a nice hot bath - that is of course until my phone rang. Naturally I couldn't resist the temptation to answer or at least check out who was calling. It was "Larry". I ended up chatting with "Larry" for a bit. I then towel dried off, put on a nice comfy hoodie and a cute pair of mesh shorts and snuggled into bed - alone. It was one of those times that I was actually glad to be by myself. Life is good.

J




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After work last night I was officially invited to my good friend "Larry's" birthday celebration at Pronto!. Ang and I decided that we were going to travel together and she was then going to spend the night at my place - ohhh my! It wasn't until about 10:10pm that I realized that it was Thursday and that Thursday is the HUGE bar night in Detroit. It was time for a complete outfit reconfiguration. With clothes tossed around the bedroom and cologne spritzed in strategic places, I was ready to "fly". Of course Ang showed up looking as darling as ever wearing this fabulous little black number that accentuated her "twins" nicely. She commented on how HOT I looked and that made me feel fabulous. I was ready - WE were ready!

Pronto! was packed, not that I expected any differently. It took me a good ten minutes to get a drink, whereas I decided it was best to double fist two drinks to avoid the pain of trying to obtain one later. Double fisting is always interesting because I always forget which one I am supposed to be drinking from. After a while it became a game to see which one I could drink faster! LOL

Due to the crowded atmosphere it took several minutes to find "Larry" and his clan of partygoers. He seemed very excited to see Ang and I. He also commented on much better he likes my cut locks than the shaggy look I previously had going. It was his day in the spotlight, but I was glad that he was able to spread the love. As with most bar situations, it didn't take long for me to notice all the ex boyfriends, ex dates and those people you desperately wish you didn't have to run into.

The following is a list of gents I had the "privilege of running into last night (listed in order of appearance):

Chad - This is my ex roommate. The only reason I ever dealt with him is because he lived with Brad (my ex) before I moved in. Of course Chad wasn't given the boot - but that is a LONG story not worth getting in to. Chad for whatever reason never could fully appreciate how fabulous I am. He always shunned me and made it a point to not include me in things. He wasn't very discreet about his hatred for me either. We never had a face to face confrontation, however it was well known that Chad despised my presence. Secretly, I think he is in love with Brad and just can't admit it. Both of them are assholes, so honestly they would be perfect together. I smiled, acknowledged his presence, blew him a kiss and pranced right by. I knew he was checking out my ass. Trolls usually check out cute ass, since as we all know they will never have one. Cheers to you "Leprechaun Prick".

Paul - This is an idiot, stupid, ridiculous ex. If he wasn't so dumb he would have been okay. I must have been in a weak state when I decided to date him because he was nothing but trouble from the start. I should have known our relationship wasn't going anywhere when he wrote me a check that bounced from an account that had been closed for two months. Classy guy. When I confronted him about the incident he proclaimed that it must have been an accident and he grabbed the wrong checkbook. Now ask yourself this question - Do you carry around a checkbook full of checks from an account you closed out months ago? I'm not stupid and unlike Paul, I am college educated. I didn't learn much of anything in college, but I did learn one thing - That I wasn't born yesterday. Dumbass. The last straw with Paul was when he "tricked" me into having a threesome with this hot doctor (Dr. Rob - yummm). Paul essentially felt guilty for cheating on me with Dr. Rob on Friday night so he planned to get me good and wasted on Tequila Saturday night. This trick was done and used to make the situation "okay" because after the affair I would have also slept with Dr. Rob. NOT. Without incriminating myself, I got the bastard back. I heard many rumors about what came about from my revenge and that to me was good enough. Of course Paul didn't say anything to me (even though I haven't seen him in years) and I didn't say anything either. He gained weight and I look great, so whatever LOSER.

Paul from Q - This is an example of a boy you made out with when you were drunk and he seemed really attractive at the time, but then when you met up on the first date you were like - OMG, WTF was I thinking? I tried to get over my high expectations and selfishness to see where things would go. The problem is that we went out three times after that first date and I couldn't even bear to kiss him again. Thankfully this all happened right before Thanksgiving so I was able to break free and use the holidays as an excuse for losing contact. Seeing the 2nd Paul at the bar last night was slightly uncomfortable because I acted like the jerk I always bitch about (we went out he showed interest and then he never called again). GAWD, could it be that I am only attractive when people are drunk? Nah... I'm good looking and I know it. Sorry Paul - get a face-lift, a few Botox injections and a chemical peel. Some teeth whitening wouldn't hurt either. You have a cute condo though so hey, atleast you have one good thing going for you. Too bad I wouldn't be the BEST thing going for you any time soon.

DAMN - I'm a bitch today.

Blake #2 - Ohh lord. The infamous Blake Andrew Scheer who frightfully has a similar name to an ex of mine Blake Andrew Spear. Are all Blake's gay? It makes you wonder. That and if Andrew is the only middle name that fits well with Blake. Anyhow, I had the absolute best date of my life with Blake #2. Everything about it from the planning stage to the goodbye "kiss" was fantastic. It really put a good name to dating. The problem with Blake #2 is that he is full of empty promises. "I'll call you" - yeah right. "I had the best time ever on our date" - I know you did, maybe you should call me. "You are so hot. Isn't he hot?" - I know I am, you don't have to remind me. Strike that - PLEASE remind me, when you call me! Anyway, obviously once again I ran into Blake. Blake is the type of boy that makes me melt. His personality and the way he talks to me and touches me, just makes me weak in the knees. His natural charisma almost makes me forget that he never calls me. He honestly isn't SUPER hot - just very good looking. He even has a little belly which if that can be cute, is cute. He claims that he is going to call me today. I responded by saying, okay Blake, but I know you won't. He also claims that he WILL in fact prove me wrong. I find that very hard to believe considering that I take root from my father, therefore I am rarely wrong. It is now 8:47 PM and no call from Blake. You have less than three and a half-hours big boy before I call you at 12:01 AM and remind you that once again you didn't call. LOL I did get a nice little kiss from Blake before I left Pronto!. That was nice.

Oddly enough I didn't see two people at Pronto! that I expected to see - Brad and Carl. Brad is a dork though and he was probably out the door at 10PM. Carl on the other hand is a different story. Every time I go to Pronto! he is there. Maybe he is sick - maybe. Maybe he deserves it for not calling me. Maybe.

After the bar Ang and I went home and to bed. Just as I was about to crawl under the cover of my flannel sheets my phone rings. It is wonderful, fabulous and sexy BB from the OC. I was really excited. At first I didn't know who it was because the Calling Card he purchased was a 313 number out of Detroit. I thought I was going crazy in my drunken stupor because I knew it was Bobby, I just couldn't figure out why he was calling me from Detroit. DUH. He told me a wonderful story about the "Paki" he bartered with at 7-11 to buy the phone cards. I assumed that Paki is slang for a Pakistani (is that PC?). I thought it was hilarious considering my less classy American friends have much worse names for the corner store market people. I just can't stop thinking about how funny the word Paki sounds. LOL Bobby and I talked on the phone for a little over an hour. It was nice. The more and more I chat with him the more and more I grow to adore him. He knows this too - which makes things even more fun. I could grow to LOVE this boy on a much greater level if only he was ready for it. I can only cross my fingers and hope. For now I cherish the amazing friendship we are creating.

UPDATE:
I received an email update from Ben.


Since you asked, he told you the following that is not true and a little
more detail:

1. We have not stopped dating since the time that you were at the apartment
2. He said that you were only a good friend but that you had not slept
together when he stayed at your apartment (he said that he stayed on the
couch)
3. He has told me many many times that he has not cheated on me. Ooops you
just proved that one wrong.
4. If Ryan told you that I cheated on him, he was very much in the wrong.
I have not been with anyone besides him for almost 5 years.

Since you have heard from another person he has not been faithful, I would
hope that you had used protection while you were with him. I would hate to
see you catch something that you do not deserve since you were never given
the truth.

I do not think badly of you at all just to let you know.

If you have any specific questions of what he has told you in the past that
you are questioning to be facts please send them through. There is
something about me that you should know; I do not lie or "white lie". It
only creates problems. I fill fib every once in a while if there is a
surprise b-day party, anniversary, or gathering that someone is getting to
close to figuring it out. But in the end honesty is the best policy in my
book.

Also, if you are looking to get ahead in the corporate world, just give me a
resume to send through to people that I know in various areas of GM.

If you would like to meet up for a more personal conversation I am only a
hop and skip away from Troy.

And I really do appreciate that you are being honest with me. I am not the
person that Ryan probably has described to you. I only freak out when I
find out things that are totally lies and I believe that if you were in a
long term relationship, you might act the same. Maybe.

Until we speak again

Benjamin

Interesting stuff. The more I think about it the more I want to get together with Ben to have lunch or something. I have a lot of respect for Ben as a person and it would be rather educational to discuss with him all the deception that has occurred over the past two years. At the same time I am worried that this "meeting" could be detrimental to my physical health. Would Ben be crazy enough to try and harm me? Thank god I know Tae Bo.

Peace, Love and NO TEETH,

J

I'm Ready for my Close-up...


I always knew Cigars and BJ's were my kind of fun...






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In the spirit of “Unsolved Mysteries” and the joy that hits me every time they say "Update", here is an update in relation to the recent postings on this site.

I received a response from Ben. It simply stated "Thank you for your honesty. I wish you the best of luck in 2004". WOW. I always knew that Ben wasn't as big a prick as I grew to know him as. I'm glad we had an "adult" conversation and kept things civil. I thought my response to him was well drafted and from the heart. Here is my response to his previous letter:


Ben,

Let me first start by stating that while I will answer the questions you
addressed in your email, I prefer to not become an involved party with
whatever takes place after I send you this email. I expect that you will
use the information in whatever way you deem necessary for your own personal

knowledge rather than use the contents of this email to prove something to
any other parties involved.

The initial piece of information that I will pass on to you is that I
recently (only several days ago) broke off my relationship with Ryan. To
what extent I would consider us to be dating, I don't know, however I
decided that I am better than being the "other woman". Ryan has never
revealed to me the actual situation between you and him, and to be honest I
never really cared to get involved. I figured that Ryan is an adult and
fully capable of making his own decisions and it wasn't my place to persecute
him for his actions since I didn't know the exact situation he was
involved in.

I know that you have a certain impression of me that I am a horrible, nasty
person intent on ruining your relationship with Ryan. I know that you are
entitled to your own opinion, however for the record, I am not the person
you think I am.

When I recently was advised (indirectly from the source) that I wasn't the
only person he was fooling around with I became very uncomfortable.
Honestly in the past year of being single, Ryan is one of only a few people
I have slept with. Not that you care, but I thought I would use that as an
example of my personal sexual behavior.

Hopefully you don't blame me for the downfall of your relationship with
Ryan. It was not my intent to hurt you or to cause any harm. I can't begin
to imagine how the entire situation must make you feel. All along I have
been led to believe that you and Ryan only lived together and that beyond
that YOU were hanging on to something that no longer existed. Whether that
is true or not, that piece of information only was used to reel me into the
situation.

Furthermore, I completely understand your attitude to the whole situation.
I do not know how I would react if I were in your shoes, but I can imagine
that it would be quite similar. I don't expect us to ever be friendly, I
just hope that we can be cordial in the event we ever run into one another.

Best of luck. May 2004 bring you better things than Ryan.

Jason

Well, "good things" come to those who deserve them. This is yet another lesson to all you men out there - don't fuck with Jason. I don't appreciate it. He lost the wife and the mistress. Hopefully one of the other boys in his "rotation" is willing to take on the challenge of dating him. Good luck Ryan, you'll need it.

Moving on. Finally on Tuesday night I chatted with Bobby from Canada. Putting aside my anger from the previous weekends frustrating situation, we spent three hours on the phone talking. The first hour was me listening. I honestly didn't say a single word after hello and a few introductory comments. This may be hard for some of you to believe considering that once I start talking I don't stop (very easily that is). Now the second hour was my response time. You can believe that I spoke non-stop that whole hour too! Afterall, I had an hour’s worth of comments to make. I honestly should have become a therapist because I am a really good listener when I put my mind to it. I can also easily relate any situation that anyone else has to something that happened to me and how I personally overcame the situation. I think I have good guidance skills. It comes natural. In the end after hearing Bobby's sob story, I really felt bad for his situation. I love him even more now than I did before. This was the first meaningful conversation we have ever had. It felt good to connect with another person on such a strong level. If only I could get men in the US, specifically in Detroit to connect with me that way.

Bobby actually called me again last night to let me know that our three hour conversation cost $46. I told him he should have dialed 10-10-987 just like John Stamos said to do. Silly Canadian. I love you to death but you should have listened to the former Full House one-hit wonder (Love ya JohnE).

In the last week the Boi situation has went from fabulous to WTF. I never understand people's motivations and behaviors. I really wish I did - but "cheers" to the unknown. Chris - the New Years Eve makeout boy - called me, but never bothered to return my return call, WTF? Carl and I have been playing voicemail tag (that is when he bothers to call back). I've hit the "I'm not calling you until you call me" point now. This is what I hate worst about dating or trying to date. My question is... at what point should you give up? Some days I just want to dive into a hole and never surface again. In that scenario atleast I can hope that someone else will dive into the same hole and we can be soul mates forever. On other days, I can't wait to get out into the scene and make an ass out of myself. I seemingly always get attention when I go out and have no problem getting numbers. The only problem is getting the number givers/takers to actually call back, or call at all. Whatever. I'll just fantasize about Corey Spears and Dan Renzi instead. Kudos to cute "celebrity-esque" men who make me hot!

Have you ever wanted to just ram your grocery cart into an innocent cart driver? The other night I was at Meijer - the local shopping superstore. For those of you not from Michigan, this facility is very similar to Walmart. I was having a bad day and I just wanted to nail someone, just to take out my building aggression. I had never thought about it before, but it would feel really good to just HIT someone with my cart. A front end cart collision. It is just like the times where someone pisses you off so bad while you are driving that you just want to hit them with your car. I wanted to do this often with my Tahoe, but I always seemed to remember just at the last moment that I was driving a $40,000 truck. This prevented me from causing an accident every time, however it didn't stop me from thinking about eliminating them with my fake tazer gun. BASTARDS. Well lucky for the other cart drivers at Meijer, I came across a very attractive young speci"man" and my pent up aggression diminished to non-existent status. I still regularly want to hit other drivers with Jinx (the Grand Am), however I think this would really hurt her self worth considering she is a bit more dainty than Brutis (the Tahoe) was.

Only nine more days till I move into the new apartment - YAY!

So, I just got back from lunch. When I went to get my mail this evening, I had a little present in my mailbox. A present from Blue Cross Blue Shield. Apparently my lazy eye doctors receptionist *BITCH* who billed my medical insurance instead of my vision insurance has caused me to receive a $151.35 bill. According to the bimbo at the desk she couldn't resubmit the claim because she had already done it. Yeah right ya lazy ho. More like, "sorry, I'm too fucking lazy to help you because I am not college educated and I found the cheesiest job I could find to scrap by on the bare essentials. Sorry, effort is for the educated." Bitch. Everyone cross your fingers and hope I don't kick that bitch’s ass up and down Van Dyke Avenue tomorrow when I call. They already charged me $15 for the copay versus the normal $10. What really gets me is that she said to me, "Sir, you should have read the sign that states, 'If you would like this billed to your vision insurance please notify us in advance otherwise we will take the liberty of billing your medical insurance'". My response was, "Okay, well you shouldn't have posted that sign at the exit desk where people with dilated eyes can't read the damn sign. Besides as a first time patient wouldn't it be professional of you to notify me of your policy regarding billing considering that you are an EYE DOCTOR and it would only make sense to the normal person that you bill it to my vision insurance?" "Sir, you should have read the sign, sorry." BITCH.

GRRRR....

Thankfully, it is "Larry's" birthday today and drinks are in order. "Larry" - I love you man. Happy 24th Birthday. Just remember (and I'll say this only once), I will always be older than you, so relax!

Cheers -

J





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The following is an email that I received today from Ryan's boyfriend Ben (the wife). If you recall Ryan, is the lover that I just dumped a few days ago. Perfect timing Ben - perfect.

Jason,

This question is for you and you only; Ryan will know the contents of this message when he arrives here at the condo after his work day today. It has come to my attention that the two of you have been in contact via phone, e-mail, and most recently a “sleepover” at your residence. In the past Ryan had cheated on me with yourself and that is why at this time I am contacting you to give me the truth.

Ryan has told me in the past that the two of you are now “good” friends. I find that hard to believe from him since for the longest time he had to keep your arrangements to meet up very secret. Additionally, any “good” friend of mine knows Ryan and is more than welcome to join in any gathering with no secret about it. That indicates to me that there is more going on then just friendship. Everything would be different at this point in time if I did not return to the old apartment (when I moved out on him) and found you there within 15 minutes. He has told me in the past as well, that you shared intimacy together while we were separated. I do not hold that against anyone because of the situation but the fact now remains is to whether or not he has been faithful from the time that we said we would be a couple again.

There have been jokes between the two of you about my attitude and bad conduct while at the bar scene and I do apologize for my actions that may have been indicated to you as extremely possessive. I am not that kind of person but in the past I have many reasons to conduct myself as such.

My question for you is if you have been with Ryan romantically or have been intimate with him while we have been back together? If so, I would ask that you just be honest and the third party in your relationship can be out of the picture.

As an employee of Onstar, I do know that as an affiliate of GM we hire good people so I would expect that your answer would be genuine and true.

Before our upcoming five year anniversary to be celebrated, I had to ask the question since I do not want to celebrate something between us that is a lie either on his part or mine for not knowing.


Regards,

Benjamin

Now ask yourself - wasn't this PERFECT timing? Had Ben sent this two weeks ago I would have told him to fuck off. Instead, I ratted out Ryan (the poor, unsuspecting bastard) and let it loose. Wouldn't this situation become rather comedic if Ben and I become lovers? LOL. He is extremely obnoxious -but kind of cute in a weird, possesive, over-the-top way.

I've always found that winter is when I am always single. I don't know what it is about snow and cold weather, but everything falls to hell in January. Is this true with everyone? Ohh well. I look forward to Ben's response!! I'll keep everyone updated. He he he.





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My question of the day is... What is the BIG hype about "Scarface"? JRo and I sat down over a course of two days to watch this cult classic film. Now after viewing what is debatably one of the greatest movies of all time, I have to ask myself, why? Granted I am not a movie critic at all, however I can tell what is a good film and what is not. The only thing I can hypothesize at this point is that it was originally a film that was what I will call - first in it's class. Maybe it is an arguably "great" film because it addresses issues of drugs, sex, alcoholism and Michelle Pfeiffer in VERY skimpy satin thingies. Is it a straight thing, maybe? Jenny and I both agreed that the film was decent, but it wasn't as good as both of us were led to believe it was. I have to admit that I did shed a tear or two when Tony Montero killed his partner/ best friend only to find out that he just married his sister the day before. Tony had to feel pretty shitty about himself after that. Oops. Two of my favorite quotes are "Put a finger in the dyke..." and " you just sit around waiting for me to FUCK you all day". Those two quotes alone made the entire film worth watching.

Anyway - back to my weekend (since I know EVERYONE is dying to know I did this weekend - or didn't do, lol).

Friday night was extremely uneventful. It started what was to become a two-day apartment-cleaning spree. I am one of those people that have to really be in the mood to clean and when I am - watch out. This cleaning spree became important for two reasons. Reason number one - my favorite Canadian hottie was SUPPOSED to come to Michigan to visit this weekend (we will get to that in a moment). Reason number two - my apartment complex requested that before I start packing my stuff to move that they come in to take photographs for their brochure.

Let me explain the apartment photography story for those of you that don't already know. In early 2003 after I moved into my place I was having some problems with the heat situation in my apartment. For whatever reason the heat kept going out in the wee hours of the morning and I would wake up at 5 am with frozen snot stuck to my face. This is a case where I wasn't getting rosy cheeks from pure sexual ecstasy - I was getting them from the frigid Michigan temperatures. As you can imagine I was not happy. This happened five times before it was finally resolved. Needless to say, I became pals with the maintenance man (who is actually cute too). Well, right around this time my management company for my apartment was discussing what they could do to try and make the "units" more appealing to prospective renters. My maintenance man just happened to mention at this meeting that he had been in my apartment and that the color I had chosen in my bathroom as well as the rest of my apartment was quite attractive. Over the course of a month I became FAMOUS and now I am being used as the model apartment in their brochures. Executive management teams and people traipsed through my home viewing and evaluating. I have made such an impression that all Amber Apartment bathrooms are being painted Behr "Warm Glove". Who knew? SO today was the big day - the photographer came - he went - and now I can pack. I've already been approached about the taking photos of my new place (which also happens to be with the same management company). All of this is so exciting. If only I could be recognized like that at EDS. Ohh well. I guess we all have fame on one level or another.

Moving on to the Canadian wonderboy - BLAH. Some history is also needed to understand this situation. Bobby (or BB from OC as I call him for short), is a fellow OnStar employee from Oshawa, Canada (hence the OC part of "BB from OC"). Back in the day when I worked in Customer Care Bobby called asking for assistance. I was a fresh employee at this point (date you ask - February 11, 2003) and wasn't exactly sure what to do so I needed to ask for assistance. While I was waiting for help, I chatted with Bobby, or rather FLIRTED with Bobby. Being that I thought it would be rather risky and slightly unprofessional to ask for his number I didn't. Much to my surprise he emailed me and the rest is history. Bobby and I have really scandalous email conversations and we chat back and forth over the phone several times per day (in code of course because calls are monitored). Over time I have developed quite a little crush for this Canadian Hottie. Over the course of what is almost now been a year, Bobby has stated several times that he was planning to come visit and share a HOT weekend of romance with me. As my luck would have it - for whatever reason, people keep dying, getting sick, car accidents, whatever. SO this visit was to be different. This time Bobby asked for my address and all that pertinent travel information - which he has NEVER done before. I was convinced that he was really coming this time. He told me that he might surprise me Friday night or he would more than likely be there on Saturday. He would give me a call he said. Did he call - NO. Did he show up - NO. Am I pissed - YES! I even took Sunday off of work so that him and I could spend the day together. I'm over it. Today has been a day for Jason to clean house - and that is just what he is doing!!

I also officially released Ryan today. Here is the way things broke down:
J, I take it you had a good birthday and New Years

>Ryan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes I had a wonderful birthday and New Years. No thanks to you. I most
certainly did not appreciate you foregoing attendance at my party,
especially since you RSVP'd. NOT COOL. I was looking forward to you being
there and spending time with you on a day that is very important to me.
However your lack of concern for me made me realize just how I rank in
importance to you.

I've known you for almost two years now and to be honest I've grown to
appreciate just how wonderful you can be on many levels. There are a lot
of
really excellent qualities about you that I adore, but on the other hand
there are many qualities about you that take away from the wonderful person
that lies within you. For my own selfish reasons I no longer can be your
personal play toy, nor can I continue to see you on any level. As you have
made it clear in the recent past, you have a rotation of partners going
that unfortunately for you, I can no longer be a part of. I'm better than that
Ryan and hopefully you know that by now.

I wish you the best in life and I hope you understand why I can not see you
any more.

Jason
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am speechless and sad and don't know what to say, I fear anything I
would say wouldn't sound appropriate.

Ryan
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryan -
I want you to know that I absolutely adore you as a person. No one is
perfect and I understand that. For the most part I am even willing to
look beyond perceived faults. What I can not look past any longer is that I
am not number one in your "book". I can not continue to let myself become
closer and closer to you, all the while knowing that I am fighting a
losing battle. I can and never will replace Ben as long as you are living
with him. Essentially I am saying, that I can not be with you the way I
wish I could be with you, as long as Mr. Gerke is in the picture. To quote a
cliche phrase - "you can't have your cake and eat it too".

As of yet, you have not proven to me that you want me to be in your
life. In two years, my perception of our relationship is that I am here out
of convenience for you. I can not live like that and I refuse to do it
any longer. While I enjoy our time together, I want more than it appears
you are willing to give me - or can give to me in your current situation.

Our relationship was working fine until I started developing deeper
feelings for you. Because of that reason alone, is why I have to end our
relationship. I despise disappointment - something that I have been
feeling a lot of lately, especially when you chose to "forget" my birthday.
People who care about one another do not "choose" to forget these things.

J
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To the last email - no response. I wonder if I hit a sensitive spot? Ohh well. Jason is cleaning house. A friend of mine that I sent the emails to responded with "Damn boy, I don't want you dumping me, I'd be speechless!!". This of course was the intent. I don't like to be fucked with. I like to be fucked - but not fucked with (please inquire within if you are unsure of the difference).

So back to the weekend...

Saturday I worked, so that was pretty boring. To reiterate, I cleaned on Saturday night. I sweated to the eighties while I Swiffered my floors and vacuumed the rugs (I also stopped for the occasional dance move, and sometimes used the Swiffer as a mic stand for those rare "Joan Jett" solo moments. Oddly enough I really enjoyed myself - even though I was a bit distraught about the Bobby thing.

Sunday was a much better day. I decided that since Carl and his friends accused me of being a stalker that I was going to start acting like one (jokingly of course). I spent several hours shaving, bathing and primping for my trip over to Somerset to see him at work. Preparation in these cases is key. I figured I would do a bit of shopping and returning, that way when I showed up at J. Crew I would have a few shopping bags in hand. So, that is exactly what I did. I returned a pair of jeans to Express that were a bit tight. They worked well as bar pants to show off my "nice" ass, but they weren't very functional for anything else. Whenever I sat down in them the "twins" were very visible. Not only that but I saw about four inches of sock (LOL, what is on my MIND - I typed cock before I realized that I meant to type sock - OOOPS). I like things to fit, not too big, not too small. Normally I would have saved the jeans to wear as bar pants, but I bought them for the purpose of having a nice pair of jeans to wear to work on casual day. I slightly felt bad returning them after I wore them five or six times out clubbing - but whatever. The new ones are even nicer and fit better in the crotch area! ;-)

After Express I headed over to Aveda - Mucho Grande!! If you know me at all, you know that I live for Aveda. Because I am on their mailing list, I received a Birthday coupon in the mail as well as some other offers to try new products. It was time to redeem! First off I sat down with an Aveda rep and created my new, personalized Aveda fragrance. Fun. Then to make the experience even richer, I received a ten-minute massage. It was heavenly. What better way to go shopping than to get free things and a massage. The only thing that would have made the experience better was if an attractive male would have been massaging me. Of course I couldn't leave without buying something - so I did (of course I really needed it!!).

Next I headed over to Bath and Body Works (yet another coupon I received in the mail). Of course this free sample was no longer available - WHATEVER. I did find some really awesome, masculine candleholders for 75% off. Yet another deal I just couldn't bear to pass up.

What is a trip to the mall without stopping to get a double caramel macchiato from Starbucks? You guessed it. That was my next stop. With shopping bags in hand, a coffee, a VERY cute outfit and a partial "I'm HOT and your NOT" attitude, I was officially off to J. Crew. Now for those of you that have been to Somerset Collection, you know that getting from the North side to the South side is quite a hike. For those of you that don't know it is about a quarter of a mile distance (okay a slight exaggeration, but not really by much). One side of the "Collection" to the other is separated by a six-lane road, a large median, two parking lots with valet, and two turn-arounds. Thankfully it has one of those nice moving walkways like the airports do. It is a hike and it really isn't too hard to break a sweat. I got slightly sidetracked by Cartier and Gucci and took a detour through Crate and Barrel, and I was almost tempted by the Tiffany's devil, but I overcame and pranced into J Crew. It didn't take me long to find Carl - his bright shining face was smiling in my direction as soon as our eyes met one another. I love it when a boy drops everything he is doing to say hello - GAWD that makes me feel worth something. I chatted with Carl for a bit - of course he inquired about my shopping bags and I was more than eager to show my goodies. LOL We parted with the typical, "call me" as to which I responded, "you know you can call me too" and he responded, "I called you first", and I ended things by saying, "but I called you back". We smiled and I left.

As one would imagine, the first thing I had to do was call JRo. Who wouldn't call their best friend to give the highlights of a good (or bad) boy encounter? We chatted for a bit and she convinced me to cease my shopping and come over for dinner and a movie. Fabulous, I say, fabulous. We beaded; cooked chicken, rice and really good buttery corn; hung pictures; went to condomania.com; watched the rest of Scarface; beaded some more; had a Berry fiasco which almost ruined the new kitchen tile grout; and had a torrid love affair (oops that was what I read in the Playgirl at home). All in all it was a great end to yet another fantastic day in the life of Jason W. Ensign!

Ohh yeah - it snowed like a MO FO BEAA last night. Driving home at midnight from Jenny's was a bear. Luckily I made it home safe. I LOVE Michigan - NOT!

J





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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

There is so much to update from the past several days, that I've decided I will begin with a story of love (or the lack thereof), my favorite restaurant (an annual birthday tradition) and how one penny can change the course of a year.

Last year on my birthday (December 31, 2002) I once again ventured with my boyfriend at the time Brad, my best friend Linda, a good friend Kerry and some dude named Jerome to Benihana's in Troy for my 24th birthday celebration. The dinner was excellent (aside from when vegetarian Linda spit out her Sushi because she wasn't aware that California rolls had Crab in them - and when Jerome was bitching about how expensive the dinner was - he ended up only ordering hors d' oeuvres and not having the entree - whatever!).

Well, after dinner was over, it is tradition to toss a penny into the bubbling fountain in the center of the restaurant. Unintentionally I tossed my penny in and it landed in the "Good Love" bucket. I was so ecstatic that I screamed outloud and caused a scene. Considering that at the time I was having such a poor relationship with Brad, I was glad to anticipate a better future.

2003 - was the worst year for my love life since I started dating in 1998. WTF - good love bucket. I call you the Benihana's Curse bucket. 10 days after my bucket dunk Brad and I broke up after almost two years of being together. The guy I started seeing right after Brad and I broke up (well actually Tommy and I had our first date on New Years Eve - LOL) disappeared and never reappeared like a bad Houdini trick after two weeks of dating (he eventually reappeared several months later only to apologize for being a dumbass). This same scenario revisited me three more times with different men - awesome dates, good connection, and disappearing act. I couldn't figure it out. Now I have the answer - the Benihana Curse.

My luck with men continued throughout the remainder of the year, only to end on December 31, 2003, with no relationship the entire year, not even any good hook-ups. The only thing I did get was a whole lotta disappointment and a trash can full of expired condoms.

This brings us to December 31, 2003 - the date it all changed and the curse was lifted. My family and I met up for dinner at 4 pm. As always it was just as I remembered. The wall of celebrity photos lines the entrance way, the statue of the lucky cat is seated in the glass case in the lobby, and "Poo Poo" the hostess greets us with the big fascinating smile. My parents and my sister had never been to Mr. Hana's restaurant. I was here to prove to them that this is the place to go - for good eats, and to make fun of other people's eating habits (watching people attempt to use chopsticks is hilarious. I must have been Japanese in another life because I am a true natural)! After some Bud Light toasts with Paul (my dad), trying to explain Wassabi to my sister, and discussing how awesome it will be to have a grill built in to the island in my parents new house - it was time for the penny drop in the fountain. My dad tossed his penny and missed. Larisa then threw her penny and missed. I threw my penny and (thankfully) missed - although I think I hit a Japanese man trying to catch fish in the pond - LOL. My stepmom - she wasn't so lucky. She hit the Good Money bucket. Look out sista - EDS just might be laying you off now. Had the curse been lifted? Only time would tell.

Well - it didn't take much time for the curse to be removed. I had been without for so long, my sexual energy was bursting through my seams. At 10:15p Hootch and her friend Cassie showed up at my apartment and we were off to Q for a night of New Years fun. Ohh, and FUN it was! Of course I was trying to scam my way out of paying cover, since afterall it was my birthday. It didn't work. I said to the lady at the register, "It is my birthday, was kind of deal do I get?� She replied, "You can have one of those neat New Years hats over there". BITCH - those are free to everyone. I paid my $16 bucks and began my night of sexual intoxication - ho, I had a few drinks too!

The evening started out with a shot of Tequila and me double fisting two Bud Lights. I went into New Years eve knowing I was getting trashed. Gary and Steve (who I am EXTREMELY PISSED at) ditched me. We had made plans to go out together and neither one of them ever bothered to call me to let me know they had made other plans. Nice to shaft your good friend on his birthday. Thanks a bunch gentlemen. The favor shall be returned someday. Whatever. I was with Cassie at this point. Linda left her license back at the apartment and needed to go back and get it. Cassie and I drank, drank, drank. Cassie had this brilliant idea that I should tell her whenever someone I thought was attractive walked by. This was an excellent icebreaker for us since this was the first time her and I were alone together. Ironically this boy I have had a major crush on for years now happened to walk by. Later on in the evening I found out his name is Carl (more to come on that). Cassie and I eventually made it out to the dance floor. I have this certain spot I like to chill at. It is on the dance floor, but right up next to the bar they have in the middle section. I like it there because I feel like I am a part of the "action" even when I am only standing there drinking or having the occasional cigarette. When what to my wandering eyes should appear - the hottest speci"man" I have seen at Q in quite some time. Strangely he was standing next to me the entire time. LOL DUH!

During one of Cassie's trips back to the bar for more beers, I overheard the wonderfully attractive gentleman's friend vocalize that he needed to find a "cute guy" for him because it was quarter to midnight. The sound of those words excited me greatly. As soon as Cassie returned I told her what I had overheard and she immediately went to do what needed to be done. Within seconds, I was chatting with Chris. I was absolutely mesmerized by how awesome this guy is. Chris is 27, about to turn 28 in two weeks. He works as a Biology Research Specialist for the University of Michigan. He has a roommate, lives in Ann Arbor, and works part time at a Bread Store. 5.....4.....3......2.....1....... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! With no delay - I grabbed Chris and kissed him. I kissed him and he kissed me back. Very passionately for about five minutes. It was the most well deserved make-out session of my life. Everything about him is amazing. The smell of his skin, his soft lips, the way he gently touched my body (all over), the way he tasted... OHHHH. I couldn't get enough. At several points over the two-hour period we spent together, I lost all sight of everyone else. I was so infatuated with Chris that I forget where I was, what I was doing, hell even who I was (however I think a majority of that was due to the amount of alcohol I consumed in the previous hours of the evening). Chris and I would move ourselves out to the dance floor, bumpin and grindin and next thing you know, we would completely stop dancing and just start kissing. From afar it probably looked fairly humorous, but up close and personal it was magical. What makes this situation even better is that Chris commented to Cassie and Linda that he really liked me a lot. Even better - he was the Designated Driver and wasn't drinking!!! A sober gift from god - plus an excellent kisser! Happy birthday and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME! The curse of the Benihana "Good Love" bucket had been lifted. I was sad to see Chris leave - but thankfully we exchanged numbers and he guaranteed me that he would call. I can only cross my fingers and hope.

At around 2 am the girls and I decided it was time to head for home - well I wanted to head to Taco Bell. I had sipped what I knew needed to be my last sip - I had that certain gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that was telling me STOP NOW! We left Q and headed to the "Toxic Hell". What a stupid damn day for it to be closed. Shortly after leaving TB, Linda shouted - STOP! Let's go to Como's - it's open. What is funny about this, is that Linda has never been to Como's and had not idea what they even serve there. Thankfully for all of us, I frequent Como's and it is wonderful. The best pizza I've ever had. So we stop.

Como's was packed to the max with drunk, hungry and quite possibly horny men and women ready to dive into some good loving pizza and Italian cuisine. We ordered food, got some chilled non-alcoholic beverages and chowed down. After about twenty or thirty minutes, it was necessary for a trip to the restroom facilities. I imagine I looked fairly haggard from drinking a lot, I was wearing a lei that Linda found on the floor at the bar, and I had a New Years hat on. Walking through the restaurant and through the bar, I ran into none other than Carl - my multi year crush. OMG. I bolted for the nearest mirror (after I used the urinal) and fixed everything that needed a bit of an adjustment. Once I felt more confident and ready for my evening next challenge, I exited the restroom and proceeded to "prance" past Carl. As I passed Carl he made a comment "Tight Squeeze, Huh?" "What?" - I replied. I was so shocked and rather stunned that Carl spoke to me, I didn't know how to reply. Instead, I placed my hand on this thigh and asked him what his name is. This of course started a lengthy conversation about how I see him at Pronto and that I've thought he was quite a sexy MF for years. I met his friend Sue and her brother, this chick that could be a celebrity impersonator for Jenny Garth, and a gaggle of other folk who I don't remember.

I ended up getting in to a VERY detailed conversation about how much I have adored Carl from afar. Whether that was the best thing - I don't know. Somehow we got on the subject of how I know Carl - or know of him. His friends were impressed/ shocked that I knew he was the Manager of J Crew at Somerset Collection. After that story a friend of his pulled me aside and asked me if I liked Carl. When I replied OMG, YES... he stated "I'm going to make some magic happen". When we walked back to the table, I overheard Sue mention the word "stalker". I immediately interrupted and stated that there is a difference between being resourceful and being a stalker. I'm resourceful - NOT a stalker. I tend to try and obtain as much information about a potential "boyfriend" as possible, before I dive in and date. Honestly, I think this is a good practice and more people should try it.

Anyway - it ended up being necessary for me to explain how I knew all this information about Carl. I explained that my friend "Larry" (however in the story I used his real name), used to work at Kenneth Cole and Armani Exchange, both of which are on the south side of Somerset, and that he knows everything about everybody that works at Somerset. When I pointed out Carl to John one night at Pronto he filled me in on as much detail as possible. This seemed to be a successful answer, as the stalker conversation never arose again.

Soon there after, Carl and his friends were getting ready to leave (and I needed to get back to Linda and Cassie since I left them alone at the table for over half an hour - oops!). Just as I was saying goodnight to all - Carl said, "Are you going to give me your number. I'd like to call you". So, OF COURSE, I gave him my number. I gave him the number - he gave me a kiss. Such a wonderful thing. The curse was definitely over.

Now my only debate this New Year is - which boy should I date?

J







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