"Boys Will be Boys"

I'll be back and regularly posting as soon as possible. I'm just trying to avoid getting fired! Details to follow.....

Please miss me....





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Yesterday evening began yet another chapter in the dating diary of "Yours Truly" (well actually Saturday evening began the introduction, however last night was the official beginning of the body). Just as I sat down to watch “The Swan” my phone rang. Slightly irritated that one of my friends obviously was not paying attention to the clock and called during my show, I glanced at my phone to see whose ass I needed to kick later. Much to my surprise it was Naethyn. I instantly apologized to myself for expressing internal displeasure toward the new hot commodity in my life. Gleefully, I answered with a nice sexy “hello”. I was so excited to hear from that it took me 15 minutes to realize that he sounded like he was on the verge of a horrible death. Poor guy. According to the source he wasn’t feeling very well on Saturday, but he decided to venture out on the town for an evening of fun with his buddies. Thankfully. Had he stayed home, I wouldn’t be writing this entry right now. On Sunday he woke up feeling like death honed in on his soul: and he has had a minor speech impediment due to cloudy sinuses ever since.

Naethyn and I chatted for about 15 minutes before he offered to let me go to watch my television show. I felt this was sort of a silly thing to hang up on a cute boy for, but he said he had some things to do anyhow and that I was more than welcome to call him back at 10pm. Never passing up an opportunity to get what I want and still make everyone pleased, I sealed the deal and we disconnected.

As much as I enjoy watching “The Swan”, I couldn’t wait to call back Naethyn. I had so many questions that needed answers. In my opinion one of the more lovely aspects of dating is the anticipation involved in getting to know someone. The other person is so mysterious, leaving me so vulnerable. Perhaps my dating problem is that I want to get to know people too quickly, but then again, I do not see that as a problem. I actually find it to be an incredible attribute when someone is excited about getting to know me.

Anyhow…

I ended up talking with Naethyn for several hours last night. I learned quite a bit about the new shining star. It makes me happy to know that someone has a genuine interest in learning more about me as a person, rather than just wanting to sleep with me. He didn’t seem turned off at all that I have vowed to myself that my dating relationships will not be sexual. He actually stated it was quite admirable and that he completely understands why I made the decision I did. I just hope that our date on Friday night goes really well and that the overwhelming temptation I have to sleep with him will be under control. It makes it especially hard knowing that he thinks I am “smokin’ hot”. Quite a compliment: in my book.

One thing that Naethyn mentioned that took me off guard is that I was not very discreet in my ways of flirting. I thought I was being tactful, but I guess not. He admitted that he enjoyed me watching him from afar, however it was quite obvious that I was interested. Well… that just proves that I have been doing something right all along! LMAO.

Well, now that it is the end of the workday (almost) and my “strict policy abiding” bitch of a supervisor yelled at me for using Microsoft Word today and also reprimanded me indirectly for having a “non-professional” conversation (when in fact less than twenty minutes ago I could hear her fifty feet away laughing out loud, obviously not discussing work related issues – what a double standard!). This is the same woman who forced me to close down internet explorer because I was reading the Detroit News online (even though EDS policy clearly states that it “permits the occasional use of the internet for persons reasons” if it does not interfere with work responsibilities, etc. I am pretty confident that means that once I have completed all the tasks that I have for the day, and exhausted every opportunity to assist others (when that option is available), that I am allowed to surf the internet as long as it does not involve pornographic materials or something that could potentially cause a disruption in the workplace. BITCH. I’ve decided at this point that I am not going to fight the internet bull, however I think using Microsoft Word is a part of my job and to tell me that I am not allowed to use it and I must “shut it down” is crap. As a matter of fact a majority of the forms and documents I have to use are formatted to Internet Explorer and are located on various intranet sites. I am so irritated right now. I can’t wait to go tanning!

Even better, I can’t wait to chat with my Crunch tonight! LOL... even though I adore Toddy, I linked him because he created the word... ;-)





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Yet another email from that "special" someone...

****I'm always forgetting things!!!!!*****

One of those people that you have a nice little nickname for knows about
your site....actually A LOT of people here at OnStar know about your site.
Anyways, this person somehow let a supervisor know.

Thought you shoukd know that Human Resources has opened an investigation on
you, and have been looking at your site.

Tootles, tough-guy!!!

At least with my G.E.D.* I learned how to use spell check before I send email. There are things that some people just will never understand. For instance, "anyways" is not a word that should be pluralized. Thankfully this person's lack of education taught them that "a lot" is two separate words. Congrats secret stalker... you did one thing right.

* For the record, I have a Bachelor of Arts with a major in Advertising and Public Relations from a Big 10 university. Whether it impresses anyone or not, I also graduated a four year program in three years with a pretty impressive G.P.A. At the time, I also received the top grade in university history (according to my professor) in my journalism 101 course. I was personally guaranteed internships and a full time position when I graduated, IF I changed my major to Journalism. I respectfully declined (which is a decision I am still beating myself up over!). If I could turn back time...

The weekend was really fun. Friday night I attended a Body Shop party at JRo's. My step mom, Man-da-licious, Mark, Nance, Gary and a few others attended. It was fun to have a hand scrub, footbath, and to test out all the products. Lucky for me, my step mom ordered a couple of things for me! At times during the party Mark, Mandy and I were getting a bit vulgar. The best was when Jenny was applying this foot cream and she says, "WOW, this is THICK!" I couldn't keep it in any longer... I had to respond with "I bet you don't say that often?" We were all cracking up, even though a few of the "adults" were not so impressed (or maybe they were but didn't want to admit it).

After the party was over, us young chaps decided it was time to sit down and do some hardcore drinking. With a random thought expressed out loud, minutes later we were busting out the "Drinking Jenga". For those of you who have never played this game before, I recommend it. All you need to do is to purchase the game of Jenga, write down silly things to do on the tiles, put the game together and PLAY PLAY PLAY. The game honestly turns very sexual, very fast. If you are easily embarrassed I would avoid this game at all costs. Keep in mind folks that once you write on the tiles, there is no turning back. JRo had originally created this particular version back in college. We ended up playing that for a round (which took forever since we had just started drinking. The rounds are much quicker the more people drink). The second round we decided that we would divvy up the tiles and each of us would create our own "challenges". This made the second, third and fourth rounds a lot more interesting. I've discovered just how profound I can be. Naughty, naughty Jason. Luckily we never made it to the tile that had you stick your head in the cat box for thirty seconds! ;-) It was quite interesting to see people switching clothes, wearing underwear on their heads, doing strip teases and pretending to be Michael Jackson taking advantage of school boys (we owe that one to Gary). Overall Friday was fabulous (putting aside the shot of Jamaican rum I had to do that almost made me hurl).

Saturday night was yet another exciting night. JRo has decided that her, Mark and I are now going to be known as the 3 Musketeers (even though none of us have any interest in smelling Musky). As a clan we decided to meet up at Pronto! around 9pm. We were going to venture into undiscovered territory - the LESBIAN bar (or as we like to call them - Beans... which in turn makes that the "Bean Bar". This particular bar is called Stiletto's (appropriate if the women there wore Stiletto's, however I think Carr hart boots prevailed this time around).

Anyway... I ended up arriving to Pronto! around 9:45pm. Yes folks, I was tardy. It is hard being beautiful, especially when you are going through the bad "I'm growing out my hair" stage. Looking as fan-fucking-tastic as possible, I met up with Jenny, Mandy, Mark, and a few of Mark's friends. Much to my disappointment (at least I think that is what it was), my ex Brad was there. Ewww. Thankfully, everyone noticed that Brad gained a good twenty pounds and has a beer gut bigger than the U.P., so that made me feel a bit better. Okay, it made me feel a lot better. I have to admit that I was a bit uncomfortable standing right next to him the entire time - that is until "Naethyn" happened.

So there I was striking conversation with my girls, when I notice this total hunk walk by. Gay as ever he was drinking what appeared to be an Appletini and prancing through the crowd. Just before we locked eyes, I turned away pretending I didn't notice him (don't we all play that game at first?). He passed by me and I turned to catch yet another glimpse. Just as I did, he turned around and looked directly at me. SHIT SHIT SHIT... I was caught. He then entered the restroom.

At that point I nudged Mandy and advised her that I need her opinion on whether or not the guy in the bathroom was cute. We waited for a few moments and he exited. Imitating the Beyonce walk to a "T", he made his way through the crowd and directly past me - again. This time he walked over to where his friends were, facing right in my direction. Of course it was now my obligation to make sure that he was just a glance away at all times, that way it wouldn't be quite so obvious that I was admiring him from afar. Yummm. For the next half hour or so we exchanged glances (or I exchanged glances with him and I convinced myself he was looking at someone just past me).

In the middle of a deep conversation with JRo and Mandy, I noticed that the cute HOT boy was coming my direction. I of course pretended for a moment that I didn't notice. I was so nervous when he approached me. Just when I thought he was going to say something, he walked right past me. The guy was so close I could feel him breathing when he walked by. ARGGGGHHH! This is the kind of shit that I love and hate at the same time.

Not one minute later, Mark's friend Sarah taps me on the shoulder and tells me that she would like to introduce me to someone. I turned around and it was the HOT boy. OMG. I was in such shock, mostly because this type of stuff rarely happens to me. I had long ago (well like thirty minutes before that) had convinced myself that this guy was way out of my league. The fact that he wanted to chat with me was slightly unbelievable. He introduced himself as Naethyn, advised me that he was leaving the bar with his friends but he wanted to give me something before he left. As much as I would have appreciated the most sexually scandalous make-out session of my life, I was just as grateful when he handed me a napkin with his number. He asked me to call him. Ohh yeah... DAMN GAY I will.

I'm just not sure at this point if I should thank the celibacy gods, or if I should be upset because they are testing my willpower. Thankfully I love to prove people wrong when they don't have faith in me, so I will prevail. Mark my words... the next guy I have sex with will be in love with me!

Shortly thereafter Linda and her lady friend Cassie joined the group and we motored on over to Stiletto's. I wasn't quite sure how the straight women would react to a bar full of gay women. Since they have all been immersed in a crowd of gay men before I didn't think there would be a problem. If anything, I am probably the one who was the most uncomfortable. To be honest... Beans frighten me. My experience with a majority of lesbians has been that they are quite standoffish, slightly rude and not interested in gay men's feelings. Granted this doesn't reflect them all, but as we all know, we tend to stay away from the things that bother us.

Much to my surprise I had an awesome time (except for the dyke that kept stepping on me. Try drinking from a bottle sister, not the keg). Based on everyone's reaction, it appeared we all had a grand gay ole time! The drag kings and queens kept us all amused, the dance floor and the cage allowed us to release some energy, and getting hit on by the Mexican who only speaks Spanish made the night unforgettable. I have to express that the drag queen that retrieved the dollar bill from my crotch has done that before - many times. Hell, "she" even winced a little. How the hell did "she" know? Maybe drag queens do know everything?

By the time Sunday hit, I was pretty cashed out. Two nights of drinking in a row just about knocked me out. The best part of Sunday was that my dad still had the Saab. JRo came over for dinner and I convinced my dad that I was worthy of taking the car for a ride. All I have to say is that there is nothing like having the top down on an 87-degree afternoon, listening to ghetto booty music driving 130 mph down the expressway.

Ahhh... summer is almost here!





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From: Jason Ensign [jason_ensign68@hotmail.com]
Sent: Friday, April 16, 2004 12:04 PM
To: "The Author"
Subject: Denise O'Reilly?

"The Author",

How's it going buddy? This is 'Denise O'Reilly' coming at you again! Still
can't figure out who I am, huh? Well here's a couple suggestions, Maybe I'm
the life-sized Barbie, or the gnarly ass, glasses wearing, bad skinned
"gaysian". Maybe I'm that ginormously wide hunchback from the special events
team, the mullet man, or even the bald-headed freak from the reacquisition
team, EEEEK! Actually, I think maybe I'm the 65 year old, bling bling, white
man. You know, the one who 'secretly' wears women's underwear?


Any of these cute little nicknames ringing a bell? The real truth is that
I'm none of these people, just an innocent person who stumbled across your
blog website. Now, I'm usually not one to interfere in someones life, but I
just had to say something. I don't care that you're gay, or anything like
that. My biggest 'beef' is that you think you're such hot shit, and you put
people down just by the way they look. Have you ever seriously taken a
glimpse in the mirror? Even if I was a gay man, I still wouldn't give you
the time of day. You're not a good-looking guy, you have no muscle or
definition on your body, and your fashion sense sucks. You should consider
yourself lucky that no one has kicked the ever-loving shit outta you yet.


Hope to hear from you soon!!!
Tootles, Bitch!!!

TGIF. Email is such a wonderful tool, especially when it provides you with a smile. Here I thought today was going to be just an average day, but then I received the above email from SA#2. Who knew he loved me so much? Having fans is such a sweet delight. I'd just like to warn you all, if for any reason you receive an email from jason_ensign68@hotmail.com, please be aware that it is from my wee little friend here at OnStar. In addition to that, also be aware that any comments made that sounds off character probably were not left by me.

On to better more intelligent things...

The Color Test

... well, maybe not! ;-)




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Just like the empire struck back in Star Wars… the DIVA in me is striking back; this time in full force.

Last night JRo, Mark, Darrin, “Larry” and a few other peeps met up at Pronto! To celebrate JRo’s last graduate school class for her Master’s degree. The clan all arrived around 8pm. Let me first state how hard it is to be a diva when you work for the world’s cheapest company. Every time I get paid I feel like payroll made a mistake. That is when I realize that it was me – in fact – that made the mistake when I accepted the position here in the Black Hole of OnStar hell.

Anyway, because of my financial bind (the last day before payday is always the hardest!!) JRo offered to front me some drinks. I ended up not even having one until an hour or so after I first arrived. Talk about self-control. To be honest though, I really wasn’t in the mood to drink – at least I wasn’t in the beginning.

For the first half hour or so it was just Jenny, Mark and me. Three individuals who I believe are developing what appears to be a close-knit relationship. These things obviously develop over time, but I think we are on the fast track to something cool. Lookout “Threesome”, here we come (or is that cum?)

Sometime around half past eight, Darrin arrived. It had been almost three years since the last time I saw Darrin.

I remember the first time I met him. Jenny was so excited for him and I to meet. For weeks, maybe even months she built Darrin up to be the perfect companion. She gave me all the details she could possibly give. The one thing that turned me off at the time was his age. At 22 years old, I was still in the “I want to date college age guys because I still can” mode. It would have taken a pretty extraordinary person to stray my focus. At the time, as wonderful as Darrin is, I just was not interested.

Fast-forward three years. When Darrin walked in the door last night, I couldn’t help but notice how fabulous he looked. Men in suits and classic ties just send chills up my spine. All I could think to myself was, “When did Darrin become so sexy?” In fact, on one of his sporadic trips to the restroom, I verbalized this to JRo and Mark. According to JRo, Darrin hasn’t changed at all in three years. Hummm.

It has become quite evident to me in the past several months that I am looking for something, very appropriately different than I was three years ago. No longer am I attempting to hold on to my college days by dating, drunken, stoned and clueless party boys (whether they be in high school, college or not), I am seeking the sophistication and elegance of an educated, seductive companion. Aside from Darrin staring at my cock all night, he fits the bill. Oddly enough, so does Mark. The question is… at what point do you pursue a sexual relationship with a friend?

Last night turned out to be quite an enjoyable evening. Sometime around ten all the other occupants of our party skated off to their personal lives, while the Jenny, Mark, Darrin and I drank, smoked, laughed, shared stories and told secrets we’ve never revealed to anyone else. It is amazing how comfortable a group of people can make you feel, even when you hardly know much about some of them. I obviously know JRo quite well, but Mark and Darrin are relatively new to my life in comparison to my other friends. I am definitely looking forward to progressing toward a better sense of understanding as to who they are as people.

Naturally after a few drinks, sometimes it is difficult to recap everything that happened, and even more difficult is attempting to develop a timeline of when things occurred. I recall at some point, or several points in the evening I:

- Attempted the Old Navy Hustle (unsuccessfully)
- Strutted from one end of the bar to the other doing the Beyonce walk
- Almost accidentally did the splits when I attempted to demonstrate a dance move a stripper at Gold Coast did to “Toxic”
- Developed a fascination for pasties and the movements necessary to titty twirl them round and round
- Almost passed at when I ran out of breath doing the “silent laugh”
- Created several dirty songs to the tune of “Sandra D” from “Grease”
- Revealed my fascination for bisexual porn
- Gave tips for successful masturbation in an automobile (guys only)
- Explained to JRo what “ass juice” is in extreme detail

I left Pronto! last night feeling vibrant and sexy. Knowing that someone is physically attracted to you is such a turn-on. Jenny put it best “I think it is hot to know that someone is going home to more than likely jack-off thinking about me”. Whether or not anyone is out there “nutting” while thinking about me is something I will never know. However, I will admit that the sexual attention certainly is not helping my vow of celibacy. I will remain strong for now! I assumed before I ever decided I was going to stop sexual relations, that as soon as I did, the boys would come running! LOL. Run Forrest, run! In the mean time, I’ll “nut” fantasizing about what potential mind-blowing sex I am missing and just how many people are jerking it – screaming my name! **MUAH**

I must say that staying out until 1 am is quite a feeling, of course until it is time to wake up for work in the morning. To my peeps… MLPC, SC – JAC – or DC, and Sheep. You guys rule!

**SIDE NOTE**
This guy is new to the blog world. I recommend that everyone who has a few spare minutes read his 100 things about me list. I was literally breathless and speechless by the end.





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With one secret admirer writing to explain that he is disappearing into the black hole for reasons unknown, I now have a second secret admirer to deal with. The problem? Secret Admirer #2 is not so nice. Word of advice gentlemen... do not EVER attack a gay man's wardrobe.

SA#2 -
This is your secret admirer again. Hows it goin? You know that outfit you have on today totally does not match. Those jeans and stripped shirt clad with your shoes. Those burgandy stripes do not match the tan shoes you have on. Your fashion sense needs some major work hun.

Tootels


Me -
excuse me? Who died and made you the fashion police? Honestly if you are trying to express your interest in me, it doesn't help to attack my choice of designer clothing. Of course I happen to disagree with you. Because this is a "casual" outfit and because I am wearing jeans, I can pretty much match any top and any pair of shoes and get away with it. Am I wearing the perfect shoes for this shirt - no. However, the shoes do coordinate with today's textile selections. Furthermore, I could care less about what you think. Attack someone who has poor self esteem and a bad self image; if you feel the need to point out other's faults.

I could make mismatched plaid look good - so there!

Jason
- Fashionista Extraordinaire


SA#2 -
my my testy aren't we. So you do agree that your shoes clad with your top. Just as I expected. Today's Textile Selections is certainly something your not accustomed to. As a matter of fact, your fashion sense could use alot of work. Have you ever thought about going to a fashion institute? You could use the help. And I would not go as far as calling yourself a Fashionista Extraordinaire. Far from it hun.


SA#2 -
Are you there? Your not upset are you hun? please talk to me.


Me -
If you don't like what I am wearing, I'm free on Saturday afternoon for you to take me to Neiman's, Saks, and Nordstrom. I have faith that your expense account will provide me with enough resources to re-create my wardrobe to your liking. That way, I won't offend your tastes when I strut through the halls here at OnStar. Otherwise, enjoy the scenery and keep your mouth closed.


SA#2 -
Saturday sounds great. But instead of going to those stores that you just mentioned, how about we visit Big Lots, Value City, Good Will, or the Salvation Army. Those would be better suited for you. Im available in the afternoon honey buns.


Me -
You haven't seen testy yet, nor will you. I believe the proper word you are trying to use is "clash". "Clash" as in the way our personalities clash. It is best to educate yourself before you attempt to criticize educated individuals.

Considering that you aren't a fashion consultant or a supermodel, I'm going to take your shallow, meaningless comments for what they are - shallow and meaningless.

I'm bored... moving on.


Motherfucking Asshole #1 -
My dearest Jason, our personalities dont "clash" because you do not have a personality. As for being an educated individual, that must include the the G.E.D. degree you posess. The Ghetto Education Diploma.

moving on...


Thankfully I have a slight tolerance for stupid people. Is it Friday yet?





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I'm embarrassed.... not a single person mentioned to me that I had the word "fascinating" spelled wrong all these months on my sidebar! THE CRIME! Either all you bitches out there were snickering at me and laughing, or you aren't paying enough attention! I'm surprised the literary police didn't arrest and stone me. I love you all the same.





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Not only am I a "Jack", I'm a bitter, single BITCH! I know we all have those moments where you think to yourself... what is the point? Why do I bother styling my hair, waxing my eyebrows, tanning, working out, eating healthy, saving money, making my bed, folding my laundry, washing my car, going to work, paying my bills, keeping in touch, finding Mr. Right, drinking, driving, reading, blogging, watching TV, masturbating, updating my calendar, sending email, reading email, organizing, brushing my teeth, getting a physical, plucking, shaving, taking vitamins, fantasizing... what is the point? Why do I bother?

Isn't life supposed to be fun and fabulous? Aren't I supposed to be living the American dream? My question is... at what point does my stroke of bad luck reverse itself?

Lately I have been working so hard to "fix" my life. I've definitely made mistakes in the past and I am trying so hard to resolve them. I've been seeking financial freedom for over a year. Even at the end of 2003, I'll still have $18,000 in school loans to pay back (but thanks to my mad negotiating skills, I have a 3.25% locked interest rate for the course of the loan and in October of 2005, it will reduce one percent to 2.25% for the life of the loan). For many years I thought the reason potential suitors were not interested in me was because of my lack of financial resources. Obviously the boys did not have a copy of my credit report - but that fact of the matter is, I don't exactly have what I would consider to be the nicest things in the entire world.

When I graduated from college I made the HUGE mistake of pre-ordering my first brand new car. I knew what I wanted and at the time I didn't care how much it cost. August 28, 2000, my 2001 Black Chevrolet Tahoe was delivered to my doorstep with the biggest car payment I have ever seen. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I suffered for many years with that pimp ass ride. I loved it to death - but my checking account didn't really care for it. Deep down, I didn't just want the SUV because it was awesome; I wanted it to prove something. I wanted to prove to all the men out there that I was worth something now. I would get in that car everyday, feeling guilty of course for paying so much for it, but in every other way I felt important. I mattered on the "highway of life". The vehicle itself potentially mattered to more than just me; it mattered to the "men" in my life. It signified success.

Thankfully at the time I had a decent amount of resources at my fingertips to assist in paying for my baby boy, Brutis. It wasn't until my world came to a halt in February of 2002 and I lost my job. I was already living paycheck to paycheck, so not having anything hit really hard. Lucky for me at the time, I had just moved in with my boyfriend (he's an ex now, naturally) so I didn't have to worry about a roof over my head and eating... life took a definite 180. A turn for the worse - in a literal sense.

I've learned a lot from my experience with losing my job and having things I obviously can't afford. I thought big expensive luxury items mattered. In the scope of things they don't, or do they?

Sitting down and thinking about it, I placed the pieces of the puzzle together. I was a HOT commodity there for a while. I was sad back then if I didn't have a date once a week. Back then men were coming just as fast as they were going (literally). It was certainly easy to impress men of all ages back in the day.

Brad and I broke up in January of 2003 - as a matter of fact I moved out on January 10, 2003. On January 31, 2003, I traded in Brutis for Jinx - my 2003 Grand Am GT. Being single, with a new place, a new car, a new life (so to speak)... I was ready for the dating world once again. Only this time it was different. No longer was I the pimp daddy... I all of a sudden became generic. I'm not the name brand pill any longer. I suddenly became the secret generic brand. The kind you don't want anyone to know you have because you did not want to pay three times as much for it. I found myself lost in a vicious circle of sleeping with men that have boyfriends of many years; a bunch self-hating, indecisive loser types that can't get over their ex's; and a huge market of people not right for me. Somehow after eliminating the luxury in my life, I also eliminated all the bells and whistles that went with (i.e. An entire world of dating).

After typing all of this out, I've realized that nothing is different from before, except that my market has gotten smaller and more fine-tuned. I'm no longer seeking what 23 year olds seek... I'm seeking what 25 year olds seek. The problem? I don't know what it is that I am seeking anymore.

I tell myself and others that I just want to have fun, live life, and see where it goes. Is that true? Can everyone else read me like a book and I can't even read my own writing? Am I so obvious to the rest of the world, but yet so hidden from my self? It is all too confusing. I honestly just wish there was something I could blame my hidden misery on. If I could only choose one thing. I'd really like to blame it on the fact that I am not a self made millionaire at 25... however being that rarely happens, I can't see that as being a flaw. I've worked all my life for perfection, so why is it that I am failing in my eyes? I know I am not... but yet I feel that I am. I wonder to my self, why are my skills being wasted at a job that I despise? What is so incredibly wrong for me that I haven't been able to get any type of "creative" job in over two years? What is so wrong that every guy I date that I like ends up telling me that there is no "spark", however I am a fantastic, wonderful individual and they would LOVE to still be friends (that is assuming that they didn't just disappear like most do). Is my desperation for a successful relationship that apparent? Or does it just boil down to success altogether?

This weekend, cheers to everyone! Happiness is just around the corner, but for now we all need to embrace the moment (even if it may suck) and be thankful for what we do have versus constantly reminding ourselves of what is missing.

My spirits will chipper soon. I can promise that. As I wrote to a fellow reader this morning:

"Life can be rather frustrating. For the most part I am extremely positive and optimistic and am really not concerned (most of the time) with dating, boyfriends, etc. I often see other people happy, together and wonder what they did that I don't do, to snag a guy? So in the meantime.... I'm trying desperately not to concentrate on it. I'm trying the friendship angle this time around... I'm not even going to think about dating, just getting to know someone. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck... ;-)"

Adios Amigos!
See you on Monday!





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I noticed a recent phenomenon in the blog world... I'm just wondering if I skipped Blog class that day - either that or everybody knows this "M" person.

When I say "everybody", I mean "everybody". It seems the mysterious (maybe that is what M stands for) person always is referred to as "M". In most case where there is a second mystery person involved, they are referred to as "S". I haven't quite figured out if this a fascination with James Bond or if it is some type of online sexual fantasy involving sadomasochism. It reminds me of the colored handkerchief thing that I didn't receive the memo about.

It all makes sense if the person you are referring to has a first initial of M, and as I mentioned it would make even more sense if this "M" individual were all in the same. I highly doubt the latter though. Could someone please explain this craziness to me? Did I miss something, or is this just a huge coincidence?

Ohhh... wish me luck. My interview with Entertainment Publications is this afternoon at 3pm. YAY! I expect phone calls of congrats people... or at least some fabu comments!!

Ohhh yeah... I have a request... considering that I know over 200 unique visitors hit my site yesterday... I'd love it if some of you regulars would say hi in the comments. It makes one feel good, ya know? We all like to be loved!

J





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You're Jack
If there's some Jack in you anywhere, he's probably
not hiding; anyone who's seen the show on which
he is so lovingly featured will tell you he
makes his presence felt wherever he goes. And
that presence is about as stereotypically gay
as they come. Are you sure you're not actually
a gay man? If not, perhaps you should give it a
try; you may find it quite comfortable.


Who's your inner gay man?
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Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

New York
You're competative, you like to take it straight to the fight. You gotta have it all or die trying.




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The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have been living a lie all of these years. Who have I been kidding all along? It is apparent that I have only been fooling myself into believing that I am a crazed, maniac, sexual vixen. At one point in my life, maybe I was. Now that I am 25... I am no longer a Samantha. I am now a Carrie. Perhaps I have always been a Carrie, but for whatever reason I always felt more fabulous pretending to be a Samantha.

The more I analyze my personality, my goals, and furthermore my intentions and desires, the more I closely relate myself to the Sarah J character. While each of the ladies on Sex and the City have very round personalities, I feel that Carrie represents best the person I am and the person I'd like to be. Ultimately, I am looking for Mr. Big. Big - the one man who can satisfy my craving for the perfect romance. Does this man exist? SATC proves in the end that he is out there - waiting. One day he'll realize we were meant to be together. I don't believe that I have even met him yet... but I will. I have faith.

This past weekend was pretty strange. I called my sister on Friday afternoon to see what she was up to for the weekend. When she admitted to me that she had no current plans, I decided that would be a good opportunity to go meet up with her, hang out, drink and party the night away... just like I did back in my college days. I also figured this would be a GREAT opportunity to meet Ryan - a guy that my sister claimed was hot and I definitely had to meet, who also wanted to meet me. Much to my surprise, Ryan was also not busy. The evening was panning out for perfection.

When I arrived in Ann Arbor, I called Larisa and Ryan as planned. Larisa was waiting; Ryan however was at the bar. Hummm... whatever. Larisa and I ended up going over to this frat house for drinks, then going over to a house party for more drinks, some drunk dialing and my sister's first keg stand. Crazy.

Close to 2am, I received a call from Ryan telling me that he was home from the bar if I was interested in coming over. At this point my sister and I split up and she went partying at a friend’s house and I walked over to Ryan's apartment. The evening and the rest of the weekend went downhill from there.

When I arrived at Ryan's I of course first noticed his appearance. He was cute, but nothing close to hot. Sometimes I forget that college level standards are much different than 25-year-old standards. Attractive he was, but a slight disappointment from what Larisa attempted to prepare me for. We ended up chilling out for about half an hour, watching SATC (the episode where Carrie is dating the bi guy). After the show was over, we moseyed on into Ryan's room and shortly there after into his bed. I'll be honest... it was the WORST sex I have ever had. The WORST. I knew in my head sleeping with a 20yo college guy was a mistake, but being the Samantha I thought I was, I didn't care. Sex is always justifiable, right?

Wrong. I am actually surprised that I still have skin on my face. Several times during the supposed make-out session, I thought he was going to eat my face. I am now suffering the consequences days later because I have one of those wretched, hurtful, hidden blemishes growing beneath the skin next to my right lip. Thankfully you can't see it... but I can sure as hell feel it. DAMMIT. There is nothing worse than a horrible kisser. NOTHING. Well except someone that can't suck cock either. I mean isn't it true that the for the most part, the soul purpose of hooking up is to get your dick sucked. It can certainly extend itself to other "anal" opportunities... but at the bare minimum you at least expect some type of satisfying oral action. NOPE... not for me. On Friday night... it was two licks of the pop before el tricky-poo decided he had reached the center. I crossed my fingers and hoped he wouldn't bite. He didn't. Of course that is when he expected me to go downtown and service his station. I did... quite well as a matter of fact... of course. Don't you hate it when the person you are with doesn't make any noise at all? Is it just me or do we need some type of verbal acknowledgement to know that we are doing well? Well... fuck those of you that don't... I do. Naturally, I got none. Whatever. Very soon thereafter it was over and we went to bed (on the most uncomfortable futon I have ever had the "privilege" of sleeping on.

Saturday was Hash Bash at UofM and Ryan, his friend, my sister and I decided we would have lunch at the union and then partake in the festivities. As usual my sister bailed out because she wanted to shower first. Now I was the third wheel. I honestly had nothing else to do except for watch television in Larisa's dorm room, so I stayed with bad trick boy and his friend. It was at this point that I started realizing that I have nothing in common with people in college anymore. Am I really getting this old? YIKES. For several hours I just laid in the grass admiring the beautiful outdoors, the sun, etc. I occasionally attempted to speak to the "groupies" but for whatever reason the responses were minimal. Finally the time came and Ryan and I separated - he to do what college hi-ons do (smoke pot) and me to locate my sisters whereabouts.

Saturday night ended up being a disaster. I got to watch drunken idiots hit on Larisa at this frat house while watching NCAA basketball tournaments. Being the nice brother I am, I let Larisa drink most of the Smirnoff Twists I bought. I was pretty much cashed out. I ended up driving back to Royal Oak around 9 pm. As my brain re-enacted the events of the weekend, I couldn't stop thinking about why my sister has so much sex appeal and I have none (or so it seems). Larisa can walk in to a room of 30 women and 1 man, and that man will drop everything to walk over to Larisa to talk with her. I walk into a crowded bar, stay for three hours and not a single person will talk to me (aside from the people I came with). I honestly don't understand. I've tried to solve this problem for years now... but here I am once again pondering my very sexual existence. I'm beginning to realize that I'm nothing more than a sexual object.

Let me explain. In the recent past (the last year and a half), I have had the worst luck with dating. Everyone I have met has been a complete flake. When I meet someone that isn't a flake, they have a boyfriend and are just looking for a good time (of course they normally don't mention that at first... that comes later). Normally when I meet someone they seem interested in wanting to get to know me. The truth is... they just want sex. If they get the sex... they stick around until the feel guilty about using me for it.... or when they are denied they disappear to search for someone who will give them what they want. Disturbing, isn't it? I think so. My honest opinion is that I end up with these assholes because all the good ones do not even notice that I exist. My sister seems to meet really nice guys constantly, mainly because everyone takes notice of her. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I've been told by many that I am very confident, easy to approach, etc., so what's the deal? Even at work... no one will talk to me (which is slightly expected). To date... I have two secret admirers at work. WTF.

As I read Blake's entry from the other day I realized that I too have been mistreating myself. I deserve better than random sex, people acting like assholes and meaningless relationships. I can think of very few times when random sex was worth it. The instant gratification is wonderful, but the aftermath sucks. This is why I can no longer be a Samantha. She doesn't care. I do. Carrie cares. So do I.

I've decided that I am celibate now. I am going to stand firm in my decision until I meet someone that proves to me that me giving it up is worth it. That they care and they want more than just my sex... they want me too. I don't doubt that this decision will be difficult, however I know that I will feel better about myself in the long run. I don't know as of yet what it will take to prove to me that you are after more than just my body. I'll make the decisions as I roll with it. It would be nice if it didn't have to come down to this, but unfortunately it has. There are too many people out there that have ruined the good name of those who actually deserve it.

Yes folks... I am such a Carrie (well a celibate Carrie).

J




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... I am a GOD!


You are a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?
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So... the moment you have all been waiting for... the results to my first online Jason quiz.

Question Number 1:
What City and State was I born in?

As expected a majority of you guess Royal Oak, Michigan (a few chose Shelby Township). I have lived in both of these places and had I actually been born in Michigan I would have been birthed more than likely at Royal Oak Beaumont Hospital. But since I was born in Louisville, Kentucky on December 31, 1978 at 8:59 am, those of you that guessed Michigan FAILED. To the 3 people who guessed Salt Lake City, Utah... while my last name is VERY Mormon sounding - you are WRONG. Nice try though. Way to use those deduction skills.

Question Number 2:
When I was a child what did I name all of my pets?

While being the ever-present homo that I am I figured that most of you would guess Madonna. While she is an icon of mine and I respect her so greatly, at a very young age I had a fascination with George Washington (perhaps it was the drag queen hair and the make-up her wore). Bunny Rabbits, Turtles, Goldfish - you name it, I named them ALL George Washington. This may be in part because everything seemed to pass away so quickly and to keep things non-confusing, I labeled them all with the same name. As I understand it, this was done in the old days when medical procedures weren't readily available for children. Parents would have a lot of children in hopes that at least some of them would survive. To make things easier, they all had the same names, as to take off some of the pain when a child died. To all the George Washington's out there.... I miss you all dearly. For those of you that guessed Kenny... tisk tisk. WRONG. Almost 50% of you guessed Kenny. South Park is an excellent show, however it wasn't around when I was a child.

Question Number 3:
What is the name of the boy I will always be in love with?

This was a slight trick question and was pretty much split 50/50 between what could possibly be two correct answers. 50% of you guessed Blake Spear. This is true in fact, however the difference is that I will always LOVE Blake. He is my best friend, ex-boyfriend, and a true example of a close confidant. The other 50% of you guessed Christian Dean, which is CORRECT!

In August of 1999, I met Christian through an online personals ad. We had a very adorable first date where I invited him over to my apartment in East Lansing, cooked him dinner, etc. That night we feel asleep holding one another in my candle lit bedroom. Nothing happened sexually that night which made the experience even more amazing. Over the next five months Christian and I proceeded to have what I consider to be the most intense relationship of my life. It was one of those very high and very low relationships. We were either so in love with one another, or we were having a huge dispute and wanted to beat each other up (mentally not physically). We eventually broke up right after his birthday in January 2000. It is rare that a day goes by that I don't smile thinking about how much I want to find love like that again (less the dramatic fighting). Christian is the boy that if he stepped back into my life right now, I would cry and never want to let him go. To the boy I will always love - ... (LOL... I have so much to say I don't even know what to say).

As far as the rest of the answers are concerned...
Brad is the last boyfriend I had...
Josh Kimball was my first love...
and Paul Carrigan is a jackass who knowingly wrote me a check from an account that had been closed for months.

Hasta La Vista BITCHES!

Question Number 4:
If I could have any vehicle right NOW, what would it be?

Yet another trick question. I was a tad bit more lenient with the point here (you'll notice some of you got five points versus ten... this question was where you got the mercy fuck points).

The absolute correct answer is the Jaguar XKR Convertible. I've promised myself that I will in fact own this luxury sports car by the time I am 35. In fact, if for some reason I don't have it by my 35th birthday, I'll let every person reading this blog that is interested gang bang me. I realize that is a lot to promise... but that is how serious I am about having this car. I almost shoot a load every time I see one drive by with the top down. OMG... orgasmic.

Many of you guessed the SAAB convertible, which is a pretty close second. The only difference is that I will be able to afford this car when my current lease is over. Unless for some reason I get a really fantastic deal on something else in December 2005, this WILL be my next car. Yumm. So for this reason, I mercied five points to anyone who guessed this answer because I have expressed my interest in this finely tuned Swedish dream many times over.

What I have a heard time understanding is why one person chose the Dodge Neon??? Hopefully that was intended as a joke, because I wouldn't be caught dead driving in one of those. I have a hard enough time even being a passenger in such a POS (sorry to those of you that have one... I sincerely hope you are tooling around in one of these because of a financial need, not because you chose this as your dream machine).

Question Number 5:
What company do I actually work for?

Hummm... first off, anyone who reads this blog should know that I am not unemployed - DUH - considering that I do all of my blogging from my computer at work. That leaves four choices. Process of elimination would remove C. Lewis Consulting from the list (this is the company I used to work for because I transitioned to... DRUM ROLL PLEASE... EDS.

This may be confusing to some, however I work directly for EDS and I am a contract employee to General Motors for the OnStar account. Any questions?

Question Number 6:
What is my middle name?

Westley. My father's family has a tradition that the first born son has the middle name of the father's father. In summary, I have my grandfather's first name as my middle name. Hence my full name... Jason Westley Ensign.

A fair amount of you guessed Michael (including Michael himself). As much as I wanted this name as a child, this is not my name... it is my fake name. Kind of like my pseudo porn star name - Westley Wyscarver.

Question Number 7:
What university did I attend?

I am honestly shocked that not a single person guessed Harvard. WTF... am I not smart enough? Rich and powerful enough?... okay so I'm not. But at least I had enough sense not to attend the University of Michigan, or Ohio State (is that even a university, LOL). U.C.L.A. would have been a fancy place to spend a lot of money on out of state tuition, but I instead saved some cash and attended Michigan State University! GO GREEN! GO WHITE! Yes folks, I am a Spartan. I bleed Green and White... that and I win fight song screaming matches at J.D.'s when those silly wolverines make a lousy attempt at pretending they are superior.

Question Number 8:
What local game show was I on?

I am quite positive that for most of you this was a definite "guess" question. The correct answer is "The Amazing Race - Detroit style".

WHAT? Let me explain...

In my past I have been quite fond of signing up for random things with a local radio station here in Detroit. This was yet another example of me signing up for shit before I even knew what it was. One Friday afternoon in early November 2001 I received a call from Channel 955 asking me if I was interested in participating in the contest I signed up for. It was extremely short notice considering it was Friday afternoon and the contest was Monday morning at 8am. My answer of course was yes! The representative did not have a lot of information, but advised me that I need to bring a partner for the contest and that I would have to be available for 8 hours. Cool. Knowing that my boyfriend at the time (Brad) would think taking a day off of work for a radio show contest was stupid, I called the one person I knew that wouldn't say no - Gary. When I told Gary about the contest, he assured me that he would be at Brad's house at 7am.

Gary and I drove over to the Detroit Zoo at 7:30am, bundled up and ready to win. If I recall correctly we didn't even know at the time what we were going to win, just that we were going to be on television!! We arrived at the zoo only to find 30 other couples waiting with us for the contest. CRAZY!

Eventually all of the contestants were walked to the Polar Bear exhibit in the zoo and seated at tables next to their partners. Our first challenge as a team was to take a phrase and we had one minute to make as many words as possible out of the phrase. At this point, the top three teams would move to the next level and the other 27 couples were eliminated. Gary and I went ballistic making words. The ten-second countdown began by Mojo and the morning crew and before we knew it, it was pencils down. The next ten minutes were quite stressful. As with anything, the anticipation is intense. The results were in. Team number three was announced, team number two was announced and finally, team number three was announced... GARY AND JASON!!!! We won the challenge with 39 words. Take that bitches. GO home, because we already know whom the champions are.

To make a really long, very cool story short... Gary and I won. In fact we won a $10,000 trip to the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah. We stayed a world-class resort, getting the celebrity attention we deserve, partying it up live... drinking all the free coke we could!

Next stop... Price is Right. (To quote one of my favorite movie lines... "The Price is WRONG bitch!").

Question Number 9:
Which of the following have I not done?

The big question... if anything these answers probably deserve the most explanation.

Yes... I participated in a Drag race... yet another radio contest. For this contest I had to dress up in Drag and ride a tricycle through a course. Each time you won you were advanced to the next round. Until finally one of the "drag" racers won the pot. I was in this contest back in high school before I was "gay". LOL I was deemed "Peg Bundy" and unfortunately Peg lost (a VERY close second) to "Trailer Park Trash Girl". At the time I wanted to burn down the bitches trailer.... now I just hope with all that loot, she went to the salon and dyed those roots. GIRRRRRRL, NO.

Yes... I drank a cum tainted glass of champagne. Back in college after Blake and I broke up we used to still spend quality time together. Of course quality usually meant that I was trying to get Blake to adore me once again and dump Jason #2. Because of that, Blake and I were always "play" fighting - if there is such a thing. During this particular evening a group of us including Blake and I decided to play "Truth or Dare". Being that only pussies choose truth, Blake and I always chose dare. Oddly enough we normally chose one another as well. Anyhow, it was my turn and I chose Blake. Blake chose dare. I dared Blake to drink a concoction that I devised out of common kitchen items. For about ten minutes I went through all the kitchen cabinets, the refrigerator, etc. and poured, squeezed and shook a bunch of nasty shit into a HUGE glass. Blake's dare was to drink the entire glass. The super trooper that Blake is... he did it.

As fate would have it, it was Blake's turn and he chose me. I chose dare. Blake grabbed a glass of champagne and disappeared into the bathroom for about five minutes. He came back and handed me the glass saying, "I dare you to drink this". It took me a moment to realize what the hell it was. It was then that I almost barfed on my coffee table. My immediate response was "are you kidding?" Well, I hate to lose so I decided that I might as well not be a wimp and bow out. My plan of attack was to stir it up a bit with my finger, however that mistakenly fizzed it up. With one full swoop, I downed the nastiness and patted myself on the back. That is when Blake said, "The fizz too bitch". He made me lick the fizz out of the champagne glass too. That is honestly what almost killed me. SICK SICK SICK. But I did it, and now I can brag about it.

YES... I had a threesome on top of a bar. An old friend of mine Marco owned a restaurant back in the day (well this took place in April 2002). Marco had a huge birthday bash at his restaurant and invited everyone. Including my recent ex of only a few weeks (once again, Brad). The party was a hit and I have to assume that everyone was having a good time. Being on the prowl for some good post break-up lovin... I was drinking - hardcore. So hardcore in fact that I stripped off my close and was dancing a top a table in a gold lame' thong. That is until the table leg gave way and I crashed to the floor. This is also the same night that a certain police officer I know (straight as he is) had his eyes on a drag queen, that he didn't know was a drag queen. We tried to warn him, but he insisted there was no way this was a man. I'm pretty sure that something happened outside in the car when the two of them were alone - but to this day, no one really knows the truth. Anyway... after the birthday bash a bunch of us went to Marco's house for some hot tubing and after partying. Who knew that this one night would have led to one of the most scandalous things I have done in my life.... certainly not me. I actually left the party early to go in the hot tub alone for a bit. Being alone lasted for about ten minutes. That is when 15 other people showed up, naked bodies and all, and hopped right in. This scenario was heavenly. Sixteen people naked people all up in everyone else's business, literally were submerged in a pool of horniness. That is when Adam sat on my lap. WE had some hot tub fun and that was that. His bf intervened and broke things up.

After that night, for the entire rest of the week I was trying to find out who this Adam boy was. I called Marco and Marco arranged for Adam and I to have dinner at his restaurant on Friday night. I showed up promptly at 8 to find Adam, his bf, and another guy, as well as Marco.

Marco was quite the hospitable host - constantly making sure my Cosmo was to the rim, giving the others and me shots of Sambuca. I couldn't have asked for a better night. Four Cosmo’s later, Adam's boyfriend was dared to lick Adam's ass in front of us all. With no inhibition, down he went. Next Adam was dared to lick his boyfriend’s ass. Somehow - I don't quite remember - I got involved. I don't remember much of anything except that both of them took turns riding my cock on top of the bar. I have to admit it was pretty hot, with people watching, mirrors everywhere, etc. In fact, Marco was calling people and inviting them down for the show. Apparently no one else was interested in participating, just watching. Interesting side note... when I started my job at EDS... I ran into one of the viewers in the hall. I was mortified! Anyway, a few hours later, the entire restaurant was covered in extra virgin olive oil, ass prints and cum stains. It wasn't my proudest moment, but I took one for the team (well I didn't take anything until Saturday evening - but that is another story for another day). What makes this story even more fun... is that Marco not only owned the restaurant but he is also Michigan's #1 producer of porno films. If you see me in a video one day... PLEASE, don't tell me.

NO... I never borrowed my father's car at 2am to go joyriding. Are you kidding me? My dad would have killed me.

YES... I stole a bottle of very expensive imported liquor from work. One of my very first crimes was stealing from the cellar of my old job. God paid me back though because the shit was ROTTEN. I have no idea what it was, but it looked good. You see, I had an event to attend and I was supposed to bring some liquor. Of course I was running late because my boss bombarded me with thirty things to do before she left to get her nails done (of course). Well I figured what the hell... we've got the shit downstairs, she caused me to be late... doesn't that means he owes it to me? It all made sense at the time. All I know is that Gary, Steve and I almost barfed off the top of Steve's office building because this shit was stank ass. What I learned... don't steal. If you do... don't steal imported liquor. Stick with what you know people.

Question Number 10:
What do I find most attractive about men?

While I consider the male anatomy from "top to bottom" (LOL, no pun intended) fascinating, I have a certain appreciation for the way an ass looks, the way it feels, and more importantly for the way I lust after putting my legs around the back of a guys, planting both hands firmly on each ass cheek and grabbing them while forcefully thrusting his hips into mine. Ohhhh... what a feeling. Thankfully the majority of you were right. Eyes folks are so typical. Typical, but beautiful. A very close second... I guess my feeling is that I get to look into your eyes while I grab your ass. Maybe it's the combination I love. Ahhh hell.... just give me a hot naked guy... I'll let everything else fall into place after we are snuggled under the sheets.

;-)





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... I lied.

I've been really busy the past few days with cases at work and I haven't had much time to update. You all have until Monday to take the DAMN quiz now. I'm sure my detailed explanation of the answers will be quite entertaining. In the "mentime" I invite you all to take a look at my best guy friend Blake's, new blog. If you ever wanted to know anything about me from a difference perspective, chances are you will read it there. Plus - Blake is high maintenance and needs traffic to his site to validate its existence! LOVE YA BLAKEE!

Have an enjoyable weekend... I'm off to hopefully get some hot young college bootie! Ta ta.




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